The Grumpy Old Blog

Delighted to see that Tehran is now coming back into the 19th century with the offer of a trench of new courses to enlighten the ignorant. BSc in shoe throwing This three-year course guides the student as to how best get value for money from their shoe-throwing activities. There is advice on the best type of shoes suitable for throwing at politicians, infidels and women, where to source the cheapest shoes, and a list of prosthetic shops in Iran selling single remainder shoes. MA in flag burning This popular course explains what a flag is and what country it is from, where to obtain national flags of the world and relevant locations to burn them in. BA in homicide belts This course teaches student where to obtain the best quality explosive belts, how to detonate them and how to provide for the family members they leave behind. However, students are advised that following the practical course work, only 1 in 10 of them will survive, and that comprehensive insurance ...

Well, we’re used to hearing about the Camping Season , which for Scouts runs from approximately 31st March to 31st October each year, although Graham Norton’s camping season lasts all year. Then there’s the Caravan Season , where Jeremy Clarkson spends six months with extremely high blood pressure as he tries to overtake them on the A38 in an excruciatingly expensive and completely unnecessary car. The Japanese have their Scientific Season, which was a series of sporadic weeks where they slaughtered endangered whales for scientific research, the results of which seem to be a closely guarded world-secret. This season now looks set, thanks to a group of spineless, land-locked countries threatened by the Land of the Rising Scientific Research with paying more for their Nintendos and PlayStations, to last until the final whale is wiped off the face of the oceans. I have written to the Japanese Embassy four times now seeking details of this research (email address info@l...

Launching their election manifesto (which the rather nasty and quite bigoted Green party insist on calling a person-ifesto) Mr Nigel Ferago of UKIP claimed to now be “firing on all cylinders”, unlike local councils that are just firing. Election manifestos are now also on the way from the Monster Raving Looney Party (half a side of A5), the Monty Python Silly Party (written on the back of a fag packet) and Islamic State (written on pieces of human skin, formerly one continuous piece belonging to suicide bomb lecturer Ahmed Shortbrain of Dewsbury). The Dyslexic Party are due to lunch their mafinesto laret this atefrnoon. In an interview with a chap called Evan Davies – who Mr Ferago says he doesn't really want to speak to if he can avoid it because he thinks he might just be an illegal Welsh immigrant on account of his name – he claims that the best way to stop the country’s productive peurility and manufacturing malaise is to ban all imports from everywhere. Mr  Fe...

You have to hand it to Ryanair. It's a very clever business model that has made chief executive Michael O'Leary an enviably wealthy multi-multi-millionaire. And it's all been done on a business model that not only STILL, as yet, doesn't care one hoot for the customer, despite certain big-mouth promises, but also treats staff with equal disdain, seeing them forced to act like in-air salespeople, wandering up and down the airplane peddling over-priced crap and stupid lottery tickets. And it all starts before passengers even step on the plane. For example, I don't think the Budapest Airport authorities realise that the reason their fancy (and very nice looking) duty free shops were bereft of customers was because there was just one desk open for the three Ryanair flights taking off between 16.20 and 17.30! There appears to be four types of traveller who use Ryanair. 1. Those who simply just want to get from "a" to "b" as cheaply as possibl...

Predictions for 2015 January – ebay crashes under the strain of unwanted Christmas presents. Once again, this is the year the world will end, but not until the 14th of the month at about 2.18pm, but thankfully, Microsoft will dash to the rescue and reboot it at 2.19pm. However, several countries will need updating immediately so the whole thing will slow down to a crawl while these are updated and the world is rebooted several times February – a bank or four will announce that they might have mistakenly miss-sold thousands of its customers products they didn’t need at the time when they didn’t want them. By mistake. Apple unveils their iPhone 7 that sees extremely stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one March – BBC 1 goes through an entire day (18th) without either a presenter or guest totally mispronouncing basic English words. Amazon, Apple, Vodafone, ebay and PayPal announce they are going to pay what the...

There is an absolutely huge dilemma in the UK that I need to bring to your attention, but let's leave it until later in the blog. At the time of scribbling this, the casual reader will not need reminding of some of the lesser impending problems in the world at the moment, but I'll remind you of them anyway. There's that nasty ebola virus that governments are trying their best to keep out of their respective countries. Horrid, but not as big a dilemma as this UK one I will allude to. There's Iran posturing about its rather unclear nuclear vision. A vision to have weapon-grade electricity generating stations. Horrid, but not as big a dilemma as this UK one I will allude to. Then there's the unacceptable increase in anti-Semitism throughout the world where Israel can do no right and everyone seems to have forgotten the Holocaust during World War II where just under half the world's then population of Jews (along with gays, gypsies and the disabled) were bru...

Great to know the country's premium automated stealth-tax collection site doesn't do what it says on the front page. Oh sorry, the recently new DVLA farce. If you have a vehicle to shell out for, don't make any changes on-line, as you are then locked out for 5 working days (yep, weekends not included) while the system automatically (yep, " automatically " - you can tell its a civil service 'service', as it apparently realises when it's the weekend and doesn't work then) updates. The DVLA themselves can't do anything for you, so you have to drag out to a Post Office (preferably one than hasn't been closed by this or the previous Government). Why the organ grinders have to send you to the moneys is beyond me! Oh, and the highwaymen at DVLA will also charge you £2.50 to use a credit card. And I love the message on the TOTALLY AUTOMATED PAYMENT phone system " all calls will be recorded for training and monitoring purposes " - I wo...

When it comes to a job interview, some people worry about not having a qualification. Well aside from quoting all the famous drop-outs who became incredibly successful business owners, for example, Lord Sugar, the trend seems to be reversing somewhat. If you succeed in obtaining an interview with the organ grinder as opposed to the monkey, you really should have no problem. Any sensible interviewer should focus on what you can do for the company rather than the rather meaningless bits of paper you might have on a wall. You can be as qualified as Einstein, but if you have no experience of the real world, employers should certainly think twice. They owe to their business. I once worked for a degree-mad multinational corporation where one of the marketing seniors had a superb degree. In physics. One of the other senior marketing managers was equally qualified. With his Geography degree. So, if you have a degree in Animal Husbandry and a degree in Mechanical Engineering, why not app...

Personally, I think a little, or in fact, a lot of humour is what is needed nowadays. Ok, yes, in the right places and at the right time. For example, be sensible and steer clear of flight or construction humour with 9/11 coming up! Something a little more lighthearted does have the big cheering-up factor, which can be far more engaging. Half the problem nowadays is that so many marketing people are, to quote the vernacular, up their own posteriors. And it's not funny. I've been there myself, and to be honest, didn't like it, because it wasn't me. Health and Safety has replaced common sense. Goodness knows exactly what the current dysfunctional and unnecessary HR has replaced (they certainly don't know themselves). And all marketing people seem to have, for some strange reason known only to no one, gone SEO-mad. And it ain't the least bit humourous! This is despite the fact that so many of them can neither write or speak English correctly, and s...

To those who know me, they are well-aware that mentioning HR (Human Resources) to me is the equivalent of holding a red rag in front of a bull. I don't just dislike HR. I detest it. With a vengeance. Had I the money, I would have it proscribed and banned. It is the business equivalent of ISIS or Hamas. Terrorism, just without the violence. I appreciate not everyone can get everything right all the time, and while HR people allegedly should have some sort of commitment to their employees, not just kowtowing to cowardly directors, it's not exactly life-threatening (although certainly nearly always job-threatening) should they mess things up, which they always seem to do with absolutely no effort. Now, the unfortunate thing is, I am not wrong. And I find this disturbing. And it's all based on my own experience of HR. I had a particular experience that I would rather forget. I can't go into detail, because it was so illegal, hurtful and downright dishonest that just...

If I see one more company mission statement where they say it is “to exceed customer expectation”, I think I will possibly throw up. Everyone is so busy “exceeding customer expectations”, that I’m surprised anyone has time for anything else, let alone making a profit and a living. I had three occasions today where I am actually extremely glad the companies in question did not exceed my expectations too much, otherwise I would have been quite angry. #1 - Apple Stores My expectation with Apple was to be ripped off, their prices being at least 30% more in the UK than they are in the USA, mainly because stupid UK shoppers refuse to shop with their wallets and support them by queuing outside for products they don’t really need but nevertheless want. I am glad they did not exceed my expectation by ripping me off 40% instead. #2 - RyanAir My expectation booking a flight with RyanAir was that by the time I reached the ‘checkout’, my advertised £13.99 flight to Dublin...

The supermarkets have been at it now for a long time. Once one of the big ones diversified away from their core grocery business, the rest followed. We seem to have long-since accepted that the big supermarkets sell clothes, white goods, brown goods, magazines, greeting cards, crockery, gifts, in fact you name it, they sell it. Originally, and to a degree still representing a good deal for the consumer - apart from their fake special offers that they always claim when exposed on the TV consumer programmes as an “error” – it would be more acceptable if they didn’t kill the local high streets and suburbs with their total unethical, and at times, dishonest attitude to the small local business. But this can be partially explained by lack of reality and short-sighted councils who just see these metro supermarkets as reliable businesses that can and will stump up premium business rates, month-in, month-out, without question. Despite it being we the residents who pay these...

If I sent you this graphic in an email to promote my business, you’d possibly think I was either mad, or of extremely low intelligence. What’s more, with some of the acknowledged great cities of the world not having the letter “A” in their name – London, New York, Tokyo, Sydney, Hong Kong, Beijing, Delhi, Mexico City, Toronto, Moscow, Edinburgh, Berlin, Rome, Boston  - I could go on – you really would question the use of this at all, apart from irritation that I sent it to your in-box in the first place. At the time I wrote this, it had been doing the rounds on facebook courtesy of Power 95.3 Radio, with the statement “ This one is hard ” (I'd hate to see something they class as easy) added by the social network manager at the station. It had received no fewer than 260,000 ‘comments’ and, believe it or not, 30,000 ‘likes’ – that’s over a quarter of a million people reached, many presumably of average or better intelligence, who thought it worthy of sharing this nonsense...

The opening chorus lines of the first song the pop group I was in played in public when I was at college. A one-hit wonder by a group called Jigsaw I believe, if memory serves me right. But I digress. Being chased and nagged by a company to buy their goods or services really is irritating. It’s similar to when you open your email to find a “Dear Beneficiary” scam email from one of the tens of thousands of sons or daughters of the Nigerian Oil Ambassador who has picked you, from one of 65 million Britons, as fitting to receive $12million absolutely free. I receive a physical piece of mail from Sky once a fortnight. Not to mention the pieces that fall out of the supplements and into the bin (recycle of course) from the Sunday Times every week. While I have their phone and broadband services (please note that other suppliers are available, not that I would touch some of them with a barge pole), I elected not to bother with their TV. I felt that it was more cost effective to wat...

Not content with having to continually suffer the transformation of English into our second language nationally by the cast of EastEnders, television presenters and other miscellaneous mispronouncers, the assault on grammatical correctness is now being spearheaded by the 'creative' advertising agencies who follow each other like sheep when a 'new' idea comes along.  On the pronunciation front, we have been treated to actor Idris Elba and the £ 7 million Sky campaign where he trumpets "mumfs" (months) and Game of "Frones" (Thrones), amongst his other SAS-style attacks on the English language.  The pressure is kept up by the likes of EastEnders, where they take "phoh-ohs" (photos), "faught" it was a "fret" ('thought' it was a 'threat'), have "free fings" ('three things') they need to do, use "twih-er" ('twitter') and have a "faahzand" ('thousand') p...

The BNP announced its Euro election manifesto this morning, despite most members of the party being unable to spell either ‘election’ or ‘manifesto’. Following a European ruling, it has dramatically changed the way it operates, having taken election guidance provided by the Commission specially for totally odious and objectionable political parties. The main BNP party leaders, headed by leader Adolf Griffin, Heinrich Barnpott and Bunny Hitler, gave a press conference earlier this morning. Revealing their new plans, the party has decided the following. Membership is now open to any member of the community, irrespective of their race, colour or creed, providing they are white, Anglo-Saxon and Protestant, although Catholics may be admitted in extreme circumstances. The BNP has totally changed their stance on immigration, saying that neither race, colour, creed nor ethnicity should be a bar to entering the country for social, domestic or employment purposes, provided t...

So, let me get this right. 1. Barclays rigged Libor rates. 2. They missold customers in excess of £4billion of products, including PPI and interest rate swaps . 3. They have made a £329 million loss at their investment arm that has since put aside £2.37billion for bonuses "to retain the best" (presumably the same 'best' that helped them lose £329m) 4. They lost Tom Bower's family heirloom jewellery, claiming they didn't receive two recorded delivery letters sent to them and have no video evidence of anything. 5. They are making 7,000 ordinary banking workers redundant 6. You apply for a loan or credit card with Barclays for, say, £500 7. They run a credit check on you

Well, it had to happen. A journalist somewhere was bound to announce that we have had all the seasons in one day. Now despite this, some of the other seasons tend to often get neglected, and in an attempt to bring you some of them, here they are: We’re used to hearing about the Camping Season , which for Scouts runs from approximately 31st March to 31st October each year, although for Alan Carr, the camping season lasts all year. Accompanied by extremely terrible jokes. Then there’s the Caravan Season , where Jeremy Clarkson spends 6 months with high blood pressure as he tries to overtake them on the A38 in an excruciatingly expensive and completely unnecessary car that no one can afford. The Japanese have their Scientific Season, which is a series of sporadic weeks where they slaughter endangered whales for scientific research, the results of which seem to be a closely guarded world secret. This season now looks set, thanks to a group of ...

The preparations for the by-election in Manchester's Wythenshawe and Sale ward to replace popular Labour MP Paul Goggins, who died last month are now in full swing. To help voters choose, I have a summary below to assist: Conservatives - their candidate Justin Ponsenby-Smithers-Farquarson is in ebullient mood despite the possibility he might only achieve 8th place out of the seven candidates who are campaigning. A blue tent has been erected outside the main polling station on the M56 which will be serving strawberries and cream. Unfortunately, no one has the heart to tell Mr. Ponsenby-Smithers-Farquarson that it is in fact a by-election and not a regional heat for Wimbledon and that the main polling station is not on the M56 Labour - their candidate, Mona Ledzeppelin, is campaigning hard on a "Help Bob Crow emigrate" ticket. Proving very popular and could be a potential high vote winner. She has  promised that if she is elected she will campaign hard for the national a...

The Vatican have just announced a brace of new patron saints: St Hopeless - patron saint of English cricket St Greed - patron saint of banking/privatised industry chief executives St Amazon - patron saint of tax avoidance (very close runners included St eBay, St PayPal, St Apple, St Vodafone and St Yorkshirewater St Laurelhardy - patron saint of railway ticket pricing St Cashcow - patron saint of car parking run by councils St Nochance - patron saint of lottery players St Alcapone - patro n saint of payday loan companies St Braindead - patron saint of tattooed and/or tongue-pierced women St Irritate - patron saint of X-Factor groups/'bands' St Parasite - patron saint of accident and health claim companies St Ripoff - patron saint of concert/event ticket vendors St Unecessary - patron saint of 4x4 car drivers who have never driven further than Sainsbury's or the school run St Gormless - patron saint of Big Brother TV programme

Right. It's just under a month into the new year - how much boardroom bullshit have you been subjected to by your clatter of under-qualified managers who are consistently over-remunerated for incredibly poor performance?: Going forward – loose, meaningless and overused To ' Action ' something - how about simply 'doing' it? Touch base - about as meaningful as ‘let's do lunch’ Circle back - to catch up later Blu e-sky thinking – like 'thinking outside the box' they both translate as 'doing your job' Brainstorm – just like 'thought showers', totally meaningless Low hanging fruit - means nothing, as no one knows what tasks are actually being referred to Get the ball rolling - simply means 'begin' Drill down - not, as one might think, anything to do with heavy machinery End of play - curious strain of kiddy-talk in bureaucratese Deliverables – the postman always rings twice, especially with your e-bay parcel Iss...