Thursday, 13 February 2014

Seasons around the world

Well, it had to happen. A journalist somewhere was bound to announce that we have had all the seasons in one day. Now despite this, some of the other seasons tend to often get neglected, and in an attempt to bring you some of them, here they are:

We’re used to hearing about the Camping Season, which for Scouts runs from approximately 31st March to 31st October each year, although for Alan Carr, the camping season lasts all year. Accompanied by extremely terrible jokes.

Then there’s the Caravan Season, where Jeremy Clarkson spends 6 months with high blood pressure as he tries to overtake them on the A38 in an excruciatingly expensive and completely unnecessary car that no one can afford.

The Japanese have their Scientific Season, which is a series of sporadic weeks where they slaughter endangered whales for scientific research, the results of which seem to be a closely guarded world secret. This season now looks set, thanks to a group of spineless land-locked countries threatened by the Land of the Rising Scientific Research with paying more for their Nintendos and PlayStations, to last until the final whale is wiped off the face of the oceans. I have written to the Japanese Embassy four times now seeking details of exactly what the result of this never-ending research is without eliciting even as much as a “Go away you Eeeengrish” - silence seems to mean they must have something to hide. Or perhaps all those Japenese businessmen stuffing themselves silly with Sushi that just happens to be, by a total co-incidence, whale meat, are too embarrassed. Sorry, can’t stop now to discuss this further – I’m in my Toyota.

The press have their Silly Season, traditionally in tandem with the 6-week school summer holiday period, where hard and decent news is at a premium, resulting in even the dimmest of PR practitioner gaining valuable column inches, nay even front page news, for the likes of the insurance industry where they declare that Kevins are the worst drivers and people in red cars are more prone to crash them on the M42 on a Thursday than they are on the M62 on a Friday.

The opera buffs enjoy their early winters with an Opera Season, where various rotund ladies and even more rotund chaps scream “Go Compare” in their attempt to prove its all over when they fininsh singing. Or at the very least complete an insurance quote.

And of course, the entire UK is always on the verge of entering a Simon Cowell Banking Season, thinly disguised as a television entertainment programme called either “Britain’s got Cretins”,  or the "X-Rated Factor", complete with dancing frogs, musical coffins and singing children who maybe should have been left to the mercy of Father O’Brien in the vestry.

Meanwhile,the Northern Irish Marching Season is traditionally and rather cunningly held during July and August when there is lower likelihood of people taking part getting wet. Unless the authorities introduce water cannons. The Marching Season sees people called Orange-men, predominantly Protestant (well 100% predominantly) donning Miss World sashes, strapping large bass drums to themselves and taunting Catholics by marching through their areas singing inflammatory songs lauding King Billy who was in charge of the oranges. In return, the Nationalists, predominantly Catholic (well 100% predominantly) then march through Protestant areas dressed in balaclavas singing inflammatory songs about the Easter Rising and bemoaning the fact that the current Pope didn't hail form the Falls Road.

However, while we infidels enjoy all our various seasonal activities, those gentlemen of superior social standing and skills, the Taliban, start their traditional “Fighting Season” (I kid you not), where they like to maim and murder Americans, non-believers, women who don’t submit to wearing the traditional dalek outfit, men with beards that are too short, people who listen to Take That and more,  only to then head off and encourage some misguided rural bumpkin to do either a bit of bomb-belting or infidel-stoning.

Why the Talibannies have to have a Fighting Season while the rest of the world has plain, simple, stupid yet harmless recreational seasons, is totally beyond me.

I must be missing something.

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