The Grumpy Old Blog

The Royal Variety Performance - a decided variety in lack of talent Well. I decided to watch the Royal Variety I had recorded on Sunday (makes sense to have recorded it on Sunday, as that is the date it was transmitted) last night, there being "not a lot"© on. (©Paul Daniels) I managed to watch this year's very piss-poor 2¾ marathon effort (even the shots of His Majesty laughing saw him just doing this to be polite to the comedians) in 30 minutes, my single longest attentive span on natural speed playback being the excellent "Oliver" stage production excerpt. I did get rather excited when Stephen Mulhern, returning to magic for his guest spot, made Amanda "Lips" Holden disappear. However, much to my total disappointment and despondency, this disappearance wasn't permanent, and very sadly, she returned. Penn and Teller were worse than awful, and while I tend to watch comedienne Ellie Taylor for everything except her jokes, her repeated usage of ...

I was asked rather accusingly this morning about what I will be doing for the King's Coronation. Well, if it's cash in hand, His Majesty had my contact details. Perhaps I could have: * Kick-started the Gold State Coach * Write some jokes for Huw Edwards for when he starts talking total nonsense to fill in the pregnant pauses when absolutely nothing is happening * Prevent people from laughing at how Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice are dressed * Remind commentators that Love Island contestants and Judy Murray are NOT celebrities * Lock Piers Morgan in the boot of a Volvo in Victoria outside the National Express station and tape the keys to the back of a bus heading to Aberdeen * Look after Joe Biden's Zimmer frame * Ensure Diane Abbot doesn't write to the Observer about the event * Explain to TikTokkers that the tins of evaporated milk they have brought along to have autographed by members of the Royal Party are "Carnation" * Explain to people that the queue out...