Skip to main content

Hot news from the Wythenshawe by-election

The preparations for the by-election in Manchester's Wythenshawe and Sale ward to replace popular Labour MP Paul Goggins, who died last month are now in full swing. To help voters choose, I have a summary below to assist:
  • Conservatives - their candidate Justin Ponsenby-Smithers-Farquarson is in ebullient mood despite the possibility he might only achieve 8th place out of the seven candidates who are campaigning. A blue tent has been erected outside the main polling station on the M56 which will be serving strawberries and cream. Unfortunately, no one has the heart to tell Mr.
    Ponsenby-Smithers-Farquarson that it is in fact a by-election and not a regional heat for Wimbledon and that the main polling station is not on the M56
  • Labour - their candidate, Mona Ledzeppelin, is campaigning hard on a "Help Bob Crow emigrate" ticket. Proving very popular and could be a potential high vote winner. She has  promised that if she is elected she will campaign hard for the national anthem to be replaced by a song from Whitesnake's 1984 'Slide it In' album.
  • LibDems - Major Ize Waters, just back as a veteran of the military campaign in Greenland (he was meant to be militarily campaigning in Afghanistan, but had directional problems on the way, so went solo in Greenland instead) is putting in great ground work explaining to mystified voters who the LibDems are
  • UKIP  - their candidate, Bob Ordinary has set up a trestle table and will be checking for any voters who might have either a 'z' in their surname or be called 'Ahmed'. He wants to introduce a MBA in Immigration.
  • BNP - many voters can't understand why a discredited Paris Bank has entered the voting race, but their prospective parliamentary candidate, Adolf Goebels has himself also set up a trestle table next to UKIP. However, Mr Goebels will be checking for anyone who might be Sikh, Moslem, Jewish, Amish or a Star Trek fan and won't actually be electioneering. He is possibly the most educated of all the candidates, having a PhD in Bigotry, an MSc in Racism and a BA in ethnic cleansing
  • Monster Raving Looney Party - Professor Dave Ed Nick Milliband Cameron Clegg (strange familiar name methinks) represents the Looney's and is campaigning to have Washway Road in Sale given a Grade I listing and declared an Area of Outstanding Beauty and a World Heritage Site by UNESCO. It has already been declared an Ares of Outstanding Profitability and a World Building Site by TESCO
  • The Green Party - Margaret Wellington-Galoshes-Windbreaker is new to politics and a champion of the supermarket 'Bag for Life'. She doesn't really quite know why she has been uprooted from her organic wind farm in East Cheshire to stand on a chilly road in Wythenshawe with noisy tramworks in the background. She is studying for an MSc in pencil sharpening.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Airport amusement

There is no doubt that airports can be quite amusing places. That is apart from being told by a burly security supervisor at the x-ray gate that thanks to the only contribution Yasser Arafat ever made to society, I had to remove my belt, shoes, watch and place my AK-47 in the tray provided. Watching people going around their travel ‘business’ in airports and on board the aircraft is hilarious. There are those who are plainly not very good at it, continually checking all manner of minutiae with the other members of the party. “Do we go to the gate?”, “Have we time for a beer?”, “I MUST get a pizza”. There are those who have plainly not done it much before and like their fellow travellers to be made fully aware of the exact opposite, as they point and gesture to the monitor shouting out their destination and boarding gate at every passing opportunity to one and all around them. There are those who think they are something special – despite the fact they are travelling via bu...

Are Camelot dim, dysfunctional, liars or just plain greedy?

There can be no denying that UK lottery operators Camelot are on to a good thing. Especially the overpaid management. They have been reaping the benefits of the franchise for years now - a franchise that in essence, has been licenced by the government to print money. However, I can't quite make up my mind whether the management of the Lotto are dim, dysfunctional, liars or just plain greedy, although the cynic in me answers the question when I consider the chief Executive of Camelot was complaining last year that the annual bonus on her not inconsiderable 7-figure salary had been reduced (conveniently forgetting her 18 year sojourn to date at Camelot has produced a pension we mere mortals can only dream about. How about the poor soldiers, CEO Dianne Thompson, who come back from the far-east minus a leg and have to legally fight for compensation that doesn't even touch what you earn less than a month? And they don't receive CBE's for their troubles either !). Irres...

Why your kids never reply to your mobile communications

A frequent topic of conversation among my own peer group of retired and semi-retired wrinklies is regarding Millennials (born 1981 to 2000) and early Generation Z (2001 to 2020) and their ability to be glued to their mobiles 24/7, yet never replying in a timely manner to a communication from their older kith and kin. They don't reply, yet will gladly get it touch immediately with their own peers to ask, "Do you follow Chardonnay Moron on 'Insta' - she's soooo cool". Yes, cool, but otherwise clueless, and usually an inept, Beluga-lipped, tattooed moron who prefers to spout total crap on 'soshul meeja' on topics they in reality know absolutely nothing, using this as a job, instead of actually working gainfully for a living. " Like, follow and share " are the only three words these wastes of space know. Yet they are the new Messiahs of the Millennials and Gen Z, and woe betide any Millennials or Gen Z who might miss one single word - spelt wron...