Hot news from the Wythenshawe by-election

The preparations for the by-election in Manchester's Wythenshawe and Sale ward to replace popular Labour MP Paul Goggins, who died last month are now in full swing. To help voters choose, I have a summary below to assist:

• Conservatives - their candidate Justin Ponsenby-Smithers-Farquarson is in ebullient mood despite the possibility he might only achieve 8th place out of the seven candidates who are campaigning. A blue tent has been erected outside the main polling station on the M56 which will be serving strawberries and cream. Unfortunately, no one has the heart to tell Mr.
  Ponsenby-Smithers-Farquarson that it is in fact a by-election and not a regional heat for Wimbledon and that the main polling station is not on the M56
• Labour - their candidate, Mona Ledzeppelin, is campaigning hard on a "Help Bob Crow emigrate" ticket. Proving very popular and could be a potential high vote winner. She has  promised that if she is elected she will campaign hard for the national anthem to be replaced by a song from Whitesnake's 1984 'Slide it In' album.
• LibDems - Major Ize Waters, just back as a veteran of the military campaign in Greenland (he was meant to be militarily campaigning in Afghanistan, but had directional problems on the way, so went solo in Greenland instead) is putting in great ground work explaining to mystified voters who the LibDems are
• UKIP  - their candidate, Bob Ordinary has set up a trestle table and will be checking for any voters who might have either a 'z' in their surname or be called 'Ahmed'. He wants to introduce a MBA in Immigration.
• BNP - many voters can't understand why a discredited Paris Bank has entered the voting race, but their prospective parliamentary candidate, Adolf Goebels has himself also set up a trestle table next to UKIP. However, Mr Goebels will be checking for anyone who might be Sikh, Moslem, Jewish, Amish or a Star Trek fan and won't actually be electioneering. He is possibly the most educated of all the candidates, having a PhD in Bigotry, an MSc in Racism and a BA in ethnic cleansing
• Monster Raving Looney Party - Professor Dave Ed Nick Milliband Cameron Clegg (strange familiar name methinks) represents the Looney's and is campaigning to have Washway Road in Sale given a Grade I listing and declared an Area of Outstanding Beauty and a World Heritage Site by UNESCO. It has already been declared an Ares of Outstanding Profitability and a World Building Site by TESCO
• The Green Party - Margaret Wellington-Galoshes-Windbreaker is new to politics and a champion of the supermarket 'Bag for Life'. She doesn't really quite know why she has been uprooted from her organic wind farm in East Cheshire to stand on a chilly road in Wythenshawe with noisy tramworks in the background. She is studying for an MSc in pencil sharpening.