Wednesday, 10 December 2014

New courses at the University of Tehran

Delighted to see that Tehran is now coming back into the 19th century with the offer of a trench of new courses to enlighten the ignorant.

BSc in shoe throwing
This three-year course guides the student as to how best get value for money from their shoe-throwing activities. There is advice on the best type of shoes suitable for throwing at politicians, infidels and women, where to source the cheapest shoes, and a list of prosthetic shops in Iran selling single remainder shoes.

MA in flag burning
This popular course explains what a flag is and what country it is from, where to obtain national flags of the world and relevant locations to burn them in.

BA in homicide belts
This course teaches student where to obtain the best quality explosive belts, how to detonate them and how to provide for the family members they leave behind. However, students are advised that following the practical course work, only 1 in 10 of them will survive, and that comprehensive insurance against razing the university campus to the ground during their course work must be taken out in advance.

BTEC in infidel spotting
This day release course aims to help students spot an infidel by their dress code and the music they listen to, although they are advised to avoid anyone listening to a Gary Glitter CD on the grounds that even an infidel wouldn’t sink so low.

NVQ in burka knitting
Amazingly open to Iranian women, this university day release course (avoiding meal and shopping times because Iranian authority men don’t do domestic stuff) shows the different style of burka that can be achieved with simple knitting needles and lengths of wool. A remarkable range of styles and colours include long black, long black and the brand new for 2015-look, long black.

Election fixing
Headed up by no less than two (knob)heads of state, former peseant President Ihaveano Dinnajaquet and Barking Bob Mugabe, this course teaches the student how to achieve a 105% return in “yes” votes when they run for election to local or national government. There are also practical sessions on how to block foreign media and murder members of the opposition.

A Season for all men

Well, we’re used to hearing about the Camping Season, which for Scouts runs from approximately 31st March to 31st October each year, although Graham Norton’s camping season lasts all year.

Then there’s the Caravan Season, where Jeremy Clarkson spends six months with extremely high blood pressure as he tries to overtake them on the A38 in an excruciatingly expensive and completely unnecessary car.

The Japanese have their Scientific Season, which was a series of sporadic weeks where they slaughtered endangered whales for scientific research, the results of which seem to be a closely guarded world-secret. This season now looks set, thanks to a group of spineless, land-locked countries threatened by the Land of the Rising Scientific Research with paying more for their Nintendos and PlayStations, to last until the final whale is wiped off the face of the oceans.

I have written to the Japanese Embassy four times now seeking details of this research (email address without eliciting even as much as a “Go away you Eeeengrish” - silence seems to mean they must have something to hide. Or perhaps it's just all those Japenese businessmen stuffing themselves silly with Sushi that just happens to co-incidentally be whale meat, are too embarrassed. But hey, sorry, can’t stop now to discuss this – I’m in my Toyota.

The press have their Silly Season, traditionally in tandem with the 6-week school summer holiday period, where hard and decent news is at a premium, resulting in even the dimmest PR practitioner gaining valuable column inches for the likes of the insurance industry (cannot understand the huge disparity in quotes from identical insurance companies featured on the different comparison websites – nah, we’re not being ripped off), nay even front page news, declaring that Kevins are the worst drivers and people in red cars are more prone to crash them on the M42 on Thursdays than they are on the M62 on Fridays.

The opera buffs enjoy their early winters with an Opera Season, where various fat ladies and chaps screaming “Go Compare” prove its all over when they fininsh singing.

And of course, the entire UK has just entered the Simon Cowell Banking Season (one of many), this time, thinly disguised as a television programme called either “Britain’s got Cretins”, or the "Fax Extra" complete with dancing frogs, musical coffins and singing children who maybe should have been left to the mercy of Father O’Brien.

However, while we infidels enjoy all our various seasonal and often enjoyably recreational activities, the news that for those gentlemen of superior social standing and skills, the Taliban, it’s the start of their traditional “Fighting Season” where they like to maim and murder Americans, non-believers, infidels, teenaged girls who want to learn to read and write, women who don’t submit to wearing to the headbag, people who smoke or who listen to One Direction and then head off and encourage some misguided rural bumpkin to do a bit of recreational bomb-belting.

Why the Talibannies have to have a Fighting Season while the rest of the world has plain, simple, stupid yet harmless recreational seasons, is totally beyond me.

I must be missing something.

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Nigel Ferago of UKIP enlists Eyjafjallajokull volcano for his election campaign

Launching their election manifesto (which the rather nasty and quite bigoted Green party insist on calling a person-ifesto) Mr Nigel Ferago of UKIP claimed to now be “firing on all cylinders”, unlike local councils that are just firing.

Election manifestos are now also on the way from the Monster Raving Looney Party (half a side of A5), the Monty Python Silly Party (written on the back of a fag packet) and Islamic State (written on pieces of human skin, formerly one continuous piece belonging to suicide bomb lecturer Ahmed Shortbrain of Dewsbury).

The Dyslexic Party are due to lunch their mafinesto laret this atefrnoon.

In an interview with a chap called Evan Davies – who Mr Ferago says he doesn't really want to speak to if he can avoid it because he thinks he might just be an illegal Welsh immigrant on account of his name – he claims that the best way to stop the country’s productive peurility and manufacturing malaise is to ban all imports from everywhere.

Mr  Ferago went on to claim that he has now enlisted the help of Eyjafjallajokull, the Icelandic volcano, on account of the fact that it once did a far better job of keeping immigrants out of the Iceland in only five days than all the mainsteam UK political parties had collectively ever done in the past 300 years.

In keeping with other political parties during an impending election campaign, Mr Ferago then went on to spout all the usual rubbish, although uncharacteristically for a politician, he didn’t provide answers for questions he wasn’t asked. He said he would be leaving that to Mr Camerouns, Mr Millipede and that awfully nice but rather dim chap from Sheffield called Whatshisname.

Evan Davies disagreed with everything Mr Ferago said, although he did concede that Mr Whatshisname was indeed a rather nice but dim chap from Sheffield.

Unlike John Virgo, the former Middle-Heavyweight snooker champion, who is a rather interesting man from Salford.