The Grumpy Old Blog

January The new 2 nd January “ Shove the unwanted crap you received as presents for Christmas on eBay Day ” proves very successful Easter eggs go on sale in supermarkets, many left over from last year with a best-before date of 15 March 2029 Jeremy Corbyn announces he is to be the leader of the newly formed “ Lederhosen Party ” and aims to attract people who are there but who don’t think they are involved A contestant on a quiz show shocks the nation by naming a past winner of “ The Voice ” Amazon announce a raft of virtual reality wage increases for staff President Trump makes it illegal for anyone to refer to a fart as a “ trump ” The great DFS sale begins February David Lammy is announced as the new host of “ Sorry I haven’t a Clue ” on Radio 4 The National Lottery increases the number of balls to 89 in line with the increase of the CEO’s annual salary to £6milllion The new “ Whack the Fare (WTF) ” initiative for cheap intercity rail travel to London sees a s...

  January New Year sales are off to a fine start with the arrival of Easter Eggs in all supermarkets. A Just Stop Oil protester will take B&Q to court because the tin of blue paint she purchased isn’t green. However, Greta Thunberg gets out of bed with a smirk on her face having lost her virginity to someone very green – the Grinch. Having come under question regarding the provision of an audit trail, the UN ask Hamas to provide them with receipts for their recently purchased rockets. Donald Trump predicts that 2024 could be cancelled as a leap year. February The BBC announces “Richard Osman” month where he will appear in every programme the corporation produces, either as host or as guest, apart from the weather, as his head is likely to poke up over the green screen. Elon Musk buys North Korea. Halloween outfits appear in Home Bargains. Katherine Ryan tells a joke that actually makes some people laugh. BBC weatherman, Tomasz Schafernaker, changes his name to Tom Weatherman. J...

January •    eBay crashes under the weight of unwanted Festive gifts •    Easter eggs appear in the shops •    The summer sales begin •    A new Amazon holiday is declared – Black Wednesday - which will last until April •    Elon Musk opens his wardrobe, which reveals a lion and a witch inside February •    The world will end once more, this time on the 29th February, despite it not being a leap year •    A contestant on “Tipping Point” will answer “Heil” to the question “What was Hitler’s first name?” •    A participant on “Dickinson’s Real Deal” will sell a Renoir for £27million •    Christmas cards will go on display in Home Bargains •    Eddy Izzard discovers that “Leica Screw” is actually how lenses for that iconic camera are described by photo experts March •    As the world hasn’t yet ended, it has now been postponed...

Well, another year over, and a new one just about to begin. By special request (i.e. the wife and kids asked me not to), here are my predictions for the year 2019: January The date for the annual November “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday” sale event is announced by Amazon. November. All 30 days of it. Chocolate eggs for Easter 2020 go on sale in Sainsbury’s. Weightwatchers come up with a new resolution to weight loss – they encourage you to help all of your friends gain 15 pounds so you look thinner. To demonstrate Diane Abbott is not as stupid as she is, Jeremy Corbyn encourages her to take an IQ test, which proves negative. February So as not to be accused of turning kids into moronic zombies, Snapchat starts a campaign to encourage its users to read more. They put sub-titles on their pages. A story about Brexit makes it on to the front page of the Beano. George Galloway announces he is changing sex to become a man. Labour blame the Tories for something which ...

Well Happy New Year to one and all. Here are few predictions to keep you all on your toes: * The government will trigger Article 60 rather than Article 50 and the UK will head towards a very successful Breakfast, making cereal, tea and toast compulsory for all * A call-centre telephone welcome message will announce "calls may be recorded in case you the customer or we the supplier cock it all up" * And the Secretary of State for Business Innovation and Skills will explain exactly what the "training purposes" are that altogether piss-poor call centres record telephone conversations for * Jeremy Corbyn will be elected Leader Hosen for Islington North and will make, as expected, a mess of flower-bed watering during the inevitable drought to be announced in July * Diane Abbott will agree to go on a John McDonnell-sponsored 'diet', but losing out in translation, will only realise, after spending £70 on Dylon, that it wasn't a 'dye it' he w...

Predictions for 2015 January – ebay crashes under the strain of unwanted Christmas presents. Once again, this is the year the world will end, but not until the 14th of the month at about 2.18pm, but thankfully, Microsoft will dash to the rescue and reboot it at 2.19pm. However, several countries will need updating immediately so the whole thing will slow down to a crawl while these are updated and the world is rebooted several times February – a bank or four will announce that they might have mistakenly miss-sold thousands of its customers products they didn’t need at the time when they didn’t want them. By mistake. Apple unveils their iPhone 7 that sees extremely stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one March – BBC 1 goes through an entire day (18th) without either a presenter or guest totally mispronouncing basic English words. Amazon, Apple, Vodafone, ebay and PayPal announce they are going to pay what the...

January – the world will end on the 14th at 2.00pm, but thankfully, Microsoft will dash to the rescue and reboot the world at 2.01pm. However, several .sys and .dll files will nevertheless fail. Ebay crashes due to the level of unwanted Christmas presents people are getting rid of February – a bank will announce that it might have mistakenly miss-sold thousands of its custom ers insurance products they didn’t need at the time when they didn’t want them. Apple unveils an updated iPhone that sees very stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one March – BBC 1 goes through an entire day (18th) without showing a single repeat. Licence payers are shocked, and hospital admissions soar through the roof, which is the only place to get a bed. Amazon, Apple, Ebay and PayPal announce they are going to pay what they consider is a fair amount of UK tax to make up for previous years of tax avoidance. 1% tax April – the supermarkets...