Predictions for 2015
January – ebay crashes under the strain of unwanted Christmas presents. Once again, this is the year the world will end, but not until the 14th of the month at about 2.18pm, but thankfully, Microsoft will dash to the rescue and reboot it at 2.19pm. However, several countries will need updating immediately so the whole thing will slow down to a crawl while these are updated and the world is rebooted several times
February – a bank or four will announce that they might have mistakenly miss-sold thousands of its customers products they didn’t need at the time when they didn’t want them. By mistake. Apple unveils their iPhone 7 that sees extremely stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one
March – BBC 1 goes through an entire day (18th) without either a presenter or guest totally mispronouncing basic English words. Amazon, Apple, Vodafone, ebay and PayPal announce they are going to pay what they consider is a fair amount of UK tax to make up for previous years of tax avoidance. That’s about 1%, providing there’s a prevailing wind
April – the supermarkets gear up for their Christmas 2015 campaigns, clearing the shelves of the basic staple goods people need in order to make way for fake trees, baubles, gaudy wrapping paper and left-over selection boxes from 2014. Apple unveils an updated iPhone 7 that sees incredibly stupid people once again queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one. With an operating system that doesn’t work properly
May – Prince Charles takes the throne, only to be told by his mother to bugger off back to Clarence House, bring it back and get on with talking to trees and other flora. The Daily Express reports that Princess Diana is still dead. Taking the country by complete surprise, the general election is won by the judges from X-Factor
June – Some singer or other who won one of Simon Cowell’s talent shows releases a record. It sells over 13 copies and whizzes to number one. Apple unveils an updated iPhone that sees very stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one. “Cash Converters” rebrands themselves as “Webuyanyshit.com”
July – it has now been raining non-stop for 12 days in the UK, with 30% flooding. Yorkshire still has a hosepipe ban in place. Gas, electricity and rail fare prices are suddenly increased by 43%. The Government clamps down on PPI claim companies saying “they are very, very naughty”. A Premiership footballer achieves a GCSE
August - RyanAir refunds the cost of a flight to someone they acknowledge as having had an “unfortunate customer experience”, although they fail to reveal that said customer was in fact deceased at the time, i.e. said “unfortunate customer experience”. Sky offers a free Fiat 500 with every new 18-month subscription subsequently upsetting many existing subscribers.
September – yet another group of demented fundamentalists try to take over parts of the Middle East, although Tom Cruise does think Scientology won’t stand a chance against the murderous Islamic State with just their rather silly E-Meter Dianetics machine. Apple unveils an updated iPad that sees incredibly stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one
October – the supermarkets have cleared their Christmas tat to make way for Easter eggs, although Christmas advertising on television ramps up to even more infuriating proportions. The iLoo, with built in WiFi, will be the Apple hit of the year, allowing people to broadcast a rather better variety of shit straight to their TVs. The extraordinarily stupid people who would otherwise queue outside the Apple store for a slightly update iPhone or iPad, stupidly queue up outside the Apple store for this piece of soon-to-be-superceded junk
November – Nintendo unveil what they think is going to be the hit toy of the year - a small black box with two simple joysticks that control a small white ball that players hit to’ and fro’ across a green screen. Now that people are beginning to use 4G telephone services, the immediate roll out of 5G, which doesn’t work on any currently available phone, and won’t be available from any UK mobile providers until 2017, is announced. Apple unveils an updated iPhone and iPad that sees incredibly stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one
December – despite the previous seven months of Christmas consumer advertising for games consoles, tablets, phones and clothes etc, the Advertising Standards Authority take a church in Roehampton to court for daring to mention Jesus in its Christmas promotional activities. DFS have a sofa sale.
January – ebay crashes under the strain of unwanted Christmas presents. Once again, this is the year the world will end, but not until the 14th of the month at about 2.18pm, but thankfully, Microsoft will dash to the rescue and reboot it at 2.19pm. However, several countries will need updating immediately so the whole thing will slow down to a crawl while these are updated and the world is rebooted several times
February – a bank or four will announce that they might have mistakenly miss-sold thousands of its customers products they didn’t need at the time when they didn’t want them. By mistake. Apple unveils their iPhone 7 that sees extremely stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one
March – BBC 1 goes through an entire day (18th) without either a presenter or guest totally mispronouncing basic English words. Amazon, Apple, Vodafone, ebay and PayPal announce they are going to pay what they consider is a fair amount of UK tax to make up for previous years of tax avoidance. That’s about 1%, providing there’s a prevailing wind
April – the supermarkets gear up for their Christmas 2015 campaigns, clearing the shelves of the basic staple goods people need in order to make way for fake trees, baubles, gaudy wrapping paper and left-over selection boxes from 2014. Apple unveils an updated iPhone 7 that sees incredibly stupid people once again queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one. With an operating system that doesn’t work properly
May – Prince Charles takes the throne, only to be told by his mother to bugger off back to Clarence House, bring it back and get on with talking to trees and other flora. The Daily Express reports that Princess Diana is still dead. Taking the country by complete surprise, the general election is won by the judges from X-Factor
June – Some singer or other who won one of Simon Cowell’s talent shows releases a record. It sells over 13 copies and whizzes to number one. Apple unveils an updated iPhone that sees very stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one. “Cash Converters” rebrands themselves as “Webuyanyshit.com”
July – it has now been raining non-stop for 12 days in the UK, with 30% flooding. Yorkshire still has a hosepipe ban in place. Gas, electricity and rail fare prices are suddenly increased by 43%. The Government clamps down on PPI claim companies saying “they are very, very naughty”. A Premiership footballer achieves a GCSE
August - RyanAir refunds the cost of a flight to someone they acknowledge as having had an “unfortunate customer experience”, although they fail to reveal that said customer was in fact deceased at the time, i.e. said “unfortunate customer experience”. Sky offers a free Fiat 500 with every new 18-month subscription subsequently upsetting many existing subscribers.
September – yet another group of demented fundamentalists try to take over parts of the Middle East, although Tom Cruise does think Scientology won’t stand a chance against the murderous Islamic State with just their rather silly E-Meter Dianetics machine. Apple unveils an updated iPad that sees incredibly stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one
October – the supermarkets have cleared their Christmas tat to make way for Easter eggs, although Christmas advertising on television ramps up to even more infuriating proportions. The iLoo, with built in WiFi, will be the Apple hit of the year, allowing people to broadcast a rather better variety of shit straight to their TVs. The extraordinarily stupid people who would otherwise queue outside the Apple store for a slightly update iPhone or iPad, stupidly queue up outside the Apple store for this piece of soon-to-be-superceded junk
November – Nintendo unveil what they think is going to be the hit toy of the year - a small black box with two simple joysticks that control a small white ball that players hit to’ and fro’ across a green screen. Now that people are beginning to use 4G telephone services, the immediate roll out of 5G, which doesn’t work on any currently available phone, and won’t be available from any UK mobile providers until 2017, is announced. Apple unveils an updated iPhone and iPad that sees incredibly stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one
December – despite the previous seven months of Christmas consumer advertising for games consoles, tablets, phones and clothes etc, the Advertising Standards Authority take a church in Roehampton to court for daring to mention Jesus in its Christmas promotional activities. DFS have a sofa sale.
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