Monday, 2 January 2017

My predictions for 2017 . . . . .

Well Happy New Year to one and all. Here are few predictions to keep you all on your toes:

* The government will trigger Article 60 rather than Article 50 and the UK will head towards a very successful Breakfast, making cereal, tea and toast compulsory for all
* A call-centre telephone welcome message will announce "calls may be recorded in case you the customer or we the supplier cock it all up"
* And the Secretary of State for Business Innovation and Skills will explain exactly what the "training purposes" are that altogether piss-poor call centres record telephone conversations for
* Jeremy Corbyn will be elected Leader Hosen for Islington North and will make, as expected, a mess of flower-bed watering during the inevitable drought to be announced in July
* Diane Abbott will agree to go on a John McDonnell-sponsored 'diet', but losing out in translation, will only realise, after spending £70 on Dylon, that it wasn't a 'dye it' he was suggesting. She will also be offered a Dameship in June but will be rather disappointed when this is accompanied by a matching script for Aladdin at the Almeida Theatre in Islington
* President Donald Trump will get very annoyed when he overhears other G8 leaders discussing the schoolboy inference of the word "trump" behind his back
* Some unbelievably talent-less shouty, screamy person singing like they have constipation and is trying to evacuate themselves will win X-Factor
* Christmas decorations, selection boxes (with November sell-by date) and DFS Christmas sofas (complete with double-discount) will go on sale in July
* Amazon will announce a series of virtual reality corporation tax payments and increased virtual reality wages for warehouse staff
* The UN will accede to a takeover by Disney/Pixar and it will take Mickey Mouse and Buzz Lightyear a mere two months to successfully solve the entire current trench of crises in the Middle East
* BBC news will employ a correspondent with a pronounceable name, no linguistic inhibitions and one who doesn't wave their arms around in time to every syllable they utter
* John Kerry will be a special guest presenter on Radio 4's 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue', and he will be genuine about it. Totally clueless in fact
* The Hamas leadership will give back some of the estimated $10billion they have misappropriated from world donations over the past 10 years to the people of Gaza for building schools and hospitals
* Camelot will increase the number of balls in Lotto to 89, increase the price of tickets to £5 and increase the annual salary package of the Chief Executive to £4milion
* The price of a walk-on, anytime return train ticket from Manchester to London will reduce to £40, providing you book three years in advance
* The overpaid leaders of the two train Unions, ASLEEP and the PMT, decide to have a party . . . . . at least once a month, to celebrate the misery they cause passengers while pretending they care
* Fuel will drop to 60p a litre (except for petrol and diesel)
* To help city and town centre retailers combat both out of town shopping centres and the internet, car parking in towns and cities nationally will be free (between 1am and 6am at weekends)
* RyanAir will introduce standing-only fares