Thursday, 20 February 2014

BNP announces its Euro election manifesto

The BNP announced its Euro election manifesto this morning, despite most members of the party being unable to spell either ‘election’ or ‘manifesto’. Following a European ruling, it has dramatically changed the way it operates, having taken election guidance provided by the Commission specially for totally odious and objectionable political parties.

The main BNP party leaders, headed by leader Adolf Griffin, Heinrich Barnpott and Bunny Hitler, gave a press conference earlier this morning. Revealing their new plans, the party has decided the following.

Membership is now open to any member of the community, irrespective of their race, colour or creed, providing they are white, Anglo-Saxon and Protestant, although Catholics may be admitted in extreme circumstances.

The BNP has totally changed their stance on immigration, saying that neither race, colour, creed nor ethnicity should be a bar to entering the country for social, domestic or employment purposes, provided the passport of the immigrant can prove beyond doubt that they are white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant and were born in the UK.

People of all religious persuasions, creeds, colour and race are to be provided with total, 100% tolerance and respect, providing they are white, Anglo-Saxon and Protestant.

The power of instantaneous stop, search and sometimes even arrest by the Police, used mainly in areas tending to be exclusively Black, Asian or Jamaican, will now cease immediately. From now on and effectively immediately, the police will no longer have to power to stop, search or even arrest white, Anglo-Saxon Protestants.

It will be an offence for anyone to call a member of the ethnic minorities a Spic, Span, Eyetie, Muzzie, ****, Kike, Jew, Gyppo, Fatso or Baldy, especially if they are white, Anglo-Saxon and Protestant.

Religious and racial intolerance on the BNP’s social networking site or website will no longer be tolerated, especially if the subjects of those taunts are white, Anglo-Saxon Protestants.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

The story of Barclays Bank

So, let me get this right.
1. Barclays rigged Libor rates.
2. They missold customers in excess of £4billion of products, including PPI and interest rate swaps .
3. They have made a £329 million loss at their investment arm that has since put aside £2.37billion for bonuses "to retain the best" (presumably the same 'best' that helped them lose £329m)
4. They lost Tom Bower's family heirloom jewellery, claiming they didn't receive two recorded delivery letters sent to them and have no video evidence of anything.
5. They are making 7,000 ordinary banking workers redundant
6. You apply for a loan or credit card with Barclays for, say, £500
7. They run a credit check on you

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Seasons around the world

Well, it had to happen. A journalist somewhere was bound to announce that we have had all the seasons in one day. Now despite this, some of the other seasons tend to often get neglected, and in an attempt to bring you some of them, here they are:

We’re used to hearing about the Camping Season, which for Scouts runs from approximately 31st March to 31st October each year, although for Alan Carr, the camping season lasts all year. Accompanied by extremely terrible jokes.

Then there’s the Caravan Season, where Jeremy Clarkson spends 6 months with high blood pressure as he tries to overtake them on the A38 in an excruciatingly expensive and completely unnecessary car that no one can afford.

The Japanese have their Scientific Season, which is a series of sporadic weeks where they slaughter endangered whales for scientific research, the results of which seem to be a closely guarded world secret. This season now looks set, thanks to a group of spineless land-locked countries threatened by the Land of the Rising Scientific Research with paying more for their Nintendos and PlayStations, to last until the final whale is wiped off the face of the oceans. I have written to the Japanese Embassy four times now seeking details of exactly what the result of this never-ending research is without eliciting even as much as a “Go away you Eeeengrish” - silence seems to mean they must have something to hide. Or perhaps all those Japenese businessmen stuffing themselves silly with Sushi that just happens to be, by a total co-incidence, whale meat, are too embarrassed. Sorry, can’t stop now to discuss this further – I’m in my Toyota.

The press have their Silly Season, traditionally in tandem with the 6-week school summer holiday period, where hard and decent news is at a premium, resulting in even the dimmest of PR practitioner gaining valuable column inches, nay even front page news, for the likes of the insurance industry where they declare that Kevins are the worst drivers and people in red cars are more prone to crash them on the M42 on a Thursday than they are on the M62 on a Friday.

The opera buffs enjoy their early winters with an Opera Season, where various rotund ladies and even more rotund chaps scream “Go Compare” in their attempt to prove its all over when they fininsh singing. Or at the very least complete an insurance quote.

And of course, the entire UK is always on the verge of entering a Simon Cowell Banking Season, thinly disguised as a television entertainment programme called either “Britain’s got Cretins”,  or the "X-Rated Factor", complete with dancing frogs, musical coffins and singing children who maybe should have been left to the mercy of Father O’Brien in the vestry.

Meanwhile,the Northern Irish Marching Season is traditionally and rather cunningly held during July and August when there is lower likelihood of people taking part getting wet. Unless the authorities introduce water cannons. The Marching Season sees people called Orange-men, predominantly Protestant (well 100% predominantly) donning Miss World sashes, strapping large bass drums to themselves and taunting Catholics by marching through their areas singing inflammatory songs lauding King Billy who was in charge of the oranges. In return, the Nationalists, predominantly Catholic (well 100% predominantly) then march through Protestant areas dressed in balaclavas singing inflammatory songs about the Easter Rising and bemoaning the fact that the current Pope didn't hail form the Falls Road.

However, while we infidels enjoy all our various seasonal activities, those gentlemen of superior social standing and skills, the Taliban, start their traditional “Fighting Season” (I kid you not), where they like to maim and murder Americans, non-believers, women who don’t submit to wearing the traditional dalek outfit, men with beards that are too short, people who listen to Take That and more,  only to then head off and encourage some misguided rural bumpkin to do either a bit of bomb-belting or infidel-stoning.

Why the Talibannies have to have a Fighting Season while the rest of the world has plain, simple, stupid yet harmless recreational seasons, is totally beyond me.

I must be missing something.

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Hot news from the Wythenshawe by-election

The preparations for the by-election in Manchester's Wythenshawe and Sale ward to replace popular Labour MP Paul Goggins, who died last month are now in full swing. To help voters choose, I have a summary below to assist:
  • Conservatives - their candidate Justin Ponsenby-Smithers-Farquarson is in ebullient mood despite the possibility he might only achieve 8th place out of the seven candidates who are campaigning. A blue tent has been erected outside the main polling station on the M56 which will be serving strawberries and cream. Unfortunately, no one has the heart to tell Mr.
    Ponsenby-Smithers-Farquarson that it is in fact a by-election and not a regional heat for Wimbledon and that the main polling station is not on the M56
  • Labour - their candidate, Mona Ledzeppelin, is campaigning hard on a "Help Bob Crow emigrate" ticket. Proving very popular and could be a potential high vote winner. She has  promised that if she is elected she will campaign hard for the national anthem to be replaced by a song from Whitesnake's 1984 'Slide it In' album.
  • LibDems - Major Ize Waters, just back as a veteran of the military campaign in Greenland (he was meant to be militarily campaigning in Afghanistan, but had directional problems on the way, so went solo in Greenland instead) is putting in great ground work explaining to mystified voters who the LibDems are
  • UKIP  - their candidate, Bob Ordinary has set up a trestle table and will be checking for any voters who might have either a 'z' in their surname or be called 'Ahmed'. He wants to introduce a MBA in Immigration.
  • BNP - many voters can't understand why a discredited Paris Bank has entered the voting race, but their prospective parliamentary candidate, Adolf Goebels has himself also set up a trestle table next to UKIP. However, Mr Goebels will be checking for anyone who might be Sikh, Moslem, Jewish, Amish or a Star Trek fan and won't actually be electioneering. He is possibly the most educated of all the candidates, having a PhD in Bigotry, an MSc in Racism and a BA in ethnic cleansing
  • Monster Raving Looney Party - Professor Dave Ed Nick Milliband Cameron Clegg (strange familiar name methinks) represents the Looney's and is campaigning to have Washway Road in Sale given a Grade I listing and declared an Area of Outstanding Beauty and a World Heritage Site by UNESCO. It has already been declared an Ares of Outstanding Profitability and a World Building Site by TESCO
  • The Green Party - Margaret Wellington-Galoshes-Windbreaker is new to politics and a champion of the supermarket 'Bag for Life'. She doesn't really quite know why she has been uprooted from her organic wind farm in East Cheshire to stand on a chilly road in Wythenshawe with noisy tramworks in the background. She is studying for an MSc in pencil sharpening.