I have finally worked out why the radical religionists of the world, especially in Arab lands, are so, er, radical, violent and downright murderous.
With their quaintly named groups, such as Ali Baba, Ali Bongo, Ali Pally and Hummous, to name but a few, the moment they hear the slightest whisper that is in disagreement with their narrow-minded and often animalistic (sorry zoos everywhere) point of view, out come the guns, knapsack bombs and the book and flag burners.
There is a double-fold reason for this. Connected by out-and-out brilliant Kodak-yellow jealousy.
Firstly, they have a natural, built-in envy of the west, in particular of the one-time troubles (Na Trioblóidí in Irish for those studying the language for A-Level) in Northern Ireland, not that they read of it in history books. Their bearded bystanders who get them to do all the dirty work don't allow them to read Western history books, because there might be a picture of the half-naked infidel, Kate Moss, an advertisement for No 7 lipstick, or a reference to the musical group SClub7, although the latter in itself is enough to generate a fatwa, even in the civilised world.
And they don't allow them to watch western TV because they might see Holly Willoughby or Davina McCall.
But despite their lack of reading history books or watching TV, they have still found out about the terrorist groups that used to run rampage in Northern Ireland. On one side you had the Protestant Loyalists - the sort of Sunni Christians of their day, and on the other, the Roman Catholic Republicans, the equivalent Shi'ite Christians, and, like in the middle and far easts, they didn't get on.
Then, in typical "Life of Brian" fashion (Popular Front for Judea, Judean People's Popular Front, Front for Popular Judea sort of thing), while the IRA had ruled the roost for decades, along came the Provisional IRA, the Real IRA, the Continuity IRA, the Morris Dancing IRA, the wholesale fruit marketing IRA, together with their opposite numbers in the loyalists.
Now the Arab factions are unbelievably jealous of all this. That we western infidels should have such quaintly-named terror groups and they had none. So they grew their beards and researched some real "hard-men" differentiators - no western music, no hair cutting, trousers must be above ankle, no smoking, homicide bombing, chopping off hands, stoning, flying plane-loads of innocent families into buildings - things that the IRA hadn't thought of, and lo, the radical groups were born.
The second reason for all this radicalism is related to the first, namely television. 'Cash in the Attic', 'Bargain Hunt', 'Antiques Roadshow' and 'Flog It!' The radicals do not have these programmes on TV. Not even 'Antiques Sandshow' or 'Bargain Camel'. Neither do they have Jeremy Kyle, Louis Walsh, Tulisa, Leona Louis, Blink 182 or Iron Maiden. Or their own Robert Peston to flail his arms around and knock out his camera man.
And this is the reason for all the radicalism. They miss out on Newsnight, X-Factor, Coronation Street, Big Brother, John Dickinson and Jeremy Clarkson to swear at in the comfort of their own home. And they don't have spins-offs such as Hello or OK magazine. And because of their clothing, they can't even stuff copies of the Sun down their bum cracks.
It is simply these Western infidelic things that radicalises them and brings them out onto the streets with their guns and rockets and their "death to infidels" chanting.
So if their respective governments were to make the viewing of these television programmes compulsory, we might see less murder and mayhem.
With their quaintly named groups, such as Ali Baba, Ali Bongo, Ali Pally and Hummous, to name but a few, the moment they hear the slightest whisper that is in disagreement with their narrow-minded and often animalistic (sorry zoos everywhere) point of view, out come the guns, knapsack bombs and the book and flag burners.
There is a double-fold reason for this. Connected by out-and-out brilliant Kodak-yellow jealousy.
Firstly, they have a natural, built-in envy of the west, in particular of the one-time troubles (Na Trioblóidí in Irish for those studying the language for A-Level) in Northern Ireland, not that they read of it in history books. Their bearded bystanders who get them to do all the dirty work don't allow them to read Western history books, because there might be a picture of the half-naked infidel, Kate Moss, an advertisement for No 7 lipstick, or a reference to the musical group SClub7, although the latter in itself is enough to generate a fatwa, even in the civilised world.
And they don't allow them to watch western TV because they might see Holly Willoughby or Davina McCall.
But despite their lack of reading history books or watching TV, they have still found out about the terrorist groups that used to run rampage in Northern Ireland. On one side you had the Protestant Loyalists - the sort of Sunni Christians of their day, and on the other, the Roman Catholic Republicans, the equivalent Shi'ite Christians, and, like in the middle and far easts, they didn't get on.
Then, in typical "Life of Brian" fashion (Popular Front for Judea, Judean People's Popular Front, Front for Popular Judea sort of thing), while the IRA had ruled the roost for decades, along came the Provisional IRA, the Real IRA, the Continuity IRA, the Morris Dancing IRA, the wholesale fruit marketing IRA, together with their opposite numbers in the loyalists.
Now the Arab factions are unbelievably jealous of all this. That we western infidels should have such quaintly-named terror groups and they had none. So they grew their beards and researched some real "hard-men" differentiators - no western music, no hair cutting, trousers must be above ankle, no smoking, homicide bombing, chopping off hands, stoning, flying plane-loads of innocent families into buildings - things that the IRA hadn't thought of, and lo, the radical groups were born.
The second reason for all this radicalism is related to the first, namely television. 'Cash in the Attic', 'Bargain Hunt', 'Antiques Roadshow' and 'Flog It!' The radicals do not have these programmes on TV. Not even 'Antiques Sandshow' or 'Bargain Camel'. Neither do they have Jeremy Kyle, Louis Walsh, Tulisa, Leona Louis, Blink 182 or Iron Maiden. Or their own Robert Peston to flail his arms around and knock out his camera man.
And this is the reason for all the radicalism. They miss out on Newsnight, X-Factor, Coronation Street, Big Brother, John Dickinson and Jeremy Clarkson to swear at in the comfort of their own home. And they don't have spins-offs such as Hello or OK magazine. And because of their clothing, they can't even stuff copies of the Sun down their bum cracks.
It is simply these Western infidelic things that radicalises them and brings them out onto the streets with their guns and rockets and their "death to infidels" chanting.
So if their respective governments were to make the viewing of these television programmes compulsory, we might see less murder and mayhem.
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