Monday, 14 May 2012

Right - have thrown down the gauntlet with a recruitment advertisement of my own

I’m in the market for a new job, so, with frustration/despondency having set in at the unbelievably high levels of quality recruitment I am witnessing daily (I know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but according to the advertisements on the job boards, they are all "leading" companies, every last one of them, although I have been trying to find actual proof of their "leadership" for the past 20 years. Yes, "leading", possibly the worst and most abused word in recruitment land, apart from "solutions".)

I have taken the liberty of outlining the sort of job I DON’T want. If anyone can fit the bill to save me walking the streets with an advertising sandwich board over my shoulders, I will be eternally grateful.

attractive salary - well, as it's so low, it's extremely attractive to us
plus benefits - tea and biscuits are free and you get to keep any un-franked stamps you steam off incoming mail
Northern-based - Aberdeen-"ish"
pleasant rural surroundings - at our head office 48 miles outside the Aberdeen-ish location
good local facilities - the government haven't shut down the local Post Office.........yet
car scheme - you go to the local garage and buy a car. We've negotiated 25% discount, but due to location, the car costs 30% more than an equivalent one bought in Manchester, so you make a net gain of approximately minus 5%
non-contributory pension scheme - well, we certainly don't contribute to it
fantastic opportunity - we can't find any other shmucks idiotic enough to take the job
progressive company  - we never pay you on the same day each month
one of the UK's top........ - there are only 3 other UK companies daft enough to be in the same business
market leader....... - see previous point
impressive range of clients  – three "everything a pound" stores in Birkenhead, Scunthorpe and Dunstable respectively, a Chinese Takeaway in the Midlands, and a ball-bearing manufacturer in Devon
knowledge of Windows useful - because our window cleaner left three weeks ago
IT literate - well we don't know how to work the blasted computers, do we?
educated to degree level - we have to say this to look good, and anyway, we want some numpty who knows nothing about business but at least is educated and cheap
one of the UK's fastest growing.......... we keep increasing the prices of our products
some international travel - we have two foreign offices, one in Tehran, the other in northern Alaska
highly respected organisation - bankrolled by the Mafia
mustn't be a clock watcher - we expect a 10 hour day from you so our directors can enjoy their golf uninterrupted
must be a team player - we like to challenge the local radio station to 5-a-side football when business is slow
must be a self-starter - we haven't actually got a clue yet about what we want you to do
you will manage a team of 4 - the tea lady, toilet attendant, security guard and Youth Trainee
your contribution will be acknowledged - the MD will thank you each time you lend him a fiver when the petty cash tin is empty
OTE £45,000 - your basic is £11,000; however, you might well achieve £45,000, after 20 years’ service that is. Meanwhile, your starting salary is definitely £11,000
performance-related bonus - depends on how good you are at Karaoke
generous holiday scheme - we own a two-bed chalet at Butlins in Skegness which you can use free of charge during the Winter
previous applicants need not apply - we had only 2 applicants last time - one a serial rapist, the other a child molester
apply to our retained consultants - seeing as we haven't a clue ourselves
who will claim  “my client is a market leader” because we were the ones who were stupid enough to forget to put “no agencies” at the bottom of our advertisement in the Guardian
who will shortlist suitable candidates - they won’t have a clue either
a second language would be an advantage - the accountant who does the wages speaks only Portuguese
good prospects - you're bound to want to leave in a couple of years to go to a proper and better-paid job

1 comment:

  1. When di I start? (See? already using local lingo in preparation for move north)
    And I'll work harder for a lot less, both money AND recognition!