Skip to main content

Right - have thrown down the gauntlet with a recruitment advertisement of my own

I’m in the market for a new job, so, with frustration/despondency having set in at the unbelievably high levels of quality recruitment I am witnessing daily (I know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but according to the advertisements on the job boards, they are all "leading" companies, every last one of them, although I have been trying to find actual proof of their "leadership" for the past 20 years. Yes, "leading", possibly the worst and most abused word in recruitment land, apart from "solutions".)

I have taken the liberty of outlining the sort of job I DON’T want. If anyone can fit the bill to save me walking the streets with an advertising sandwich board over my shoulders, I will be eternally grateful.

attractive salary - well, as it's so low, it's extremely attractive to us
plus benefits - tea and biscuits are free and you get to keep any un-franked stamps you steam off incoming mail
Northern-based - Aberdeen-"ish"
pleasant rural surroundings - at our head office 48 miles outside the Aberdeen-ish location
good local facilities - the government haven't shut down the local Post Office.........yet
car scheme - you go to the local garage and buy a car. We've negotiated 25% discount, but due to location, the car costs 30% more than an equivalent one bought in Manchester, so you make a net gain of approximately minus 5%
non-contributory pension scheme - well, we certainly don't contribute to it
fantastic opportunity - we can't find any other shmucks idiotic enough to take the job
progressive company  - we never pay you on the same day each month
one of the UK's top........ - there are only 3 other UK companies daft enough to be in the same business
market leader....... - see previous point
impressive range of clients  – three "everything a pound" stores in Birkenhead, Scunthorpe and Dunstable respectively, a Chinese Takeaway in the Midlands, and a ball-bearing manufacturer in Devon
knowledge of Windows useful - because our window cleaner left three weeks ago
IT literate - well we don't know how to work the blasted computers, do we?
educated to degree level - we have to say this to look good, and anyway, we want some numpty who knows nothing about business but at least is educated and cheap
one of the UK's fastest growing.......... we keep increasing the prices of our products
some international travel - we have two foreign offices, one in Tehran, the other in northern Alaska
highly respected organisation - bankrolled by the Mafia
mustn't be a clock watcher - we expect a 10 hour day from you so our directors can enjoy their golf uninterrupted
must be a team player - we like to challenge the local radio station to 5-a-side football when business is slow
must be a self-starter - we haven't actually got a clue yet about what we want you to do
you will manage a team of 4 - the tea lady, toilet attendant, security guard and Youth Trainee
your contribution will be acknowledged - the MD will thank you each time you lend him a fiver when the petty cash tin is empty
OTE £45,000 - your basic is £11,000; however, you might well achieve £45,000, after 20 years’ service that is. Meanwhile, your starting salary is definitely £11,000
performance-related bonus - depends on how good you are at Karaoke
generous holiday scheme - we own a two-bed chalet at Butlins in Skegness which you can use free of charge during the Winter
previous applicants need not apply - we had only 2 applicants last time - one a serial rapist, the other a child molester
apply to our retained consultants - seeing as we haven't a clue ourselves
who will claim  “my client is a market leader” because we were the ones who were stupid enough to forget to put “no agencies” at the bottom of our advertisement in the Guardian
who will shortlist suitable candidates - they won’t have a clue either
a second language would be an advantage - the accountant who does the wages speaks only Portuguese
good prospects - you're bound to want to leave in a couple of years to go to a proper and better-paid job

Comments

  1. When di I start? (See? already using local lingo in preparation for move north)
    And I'll work harder for a lot less, both money AND recognition!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The "Win a Million" free scratch card newspaper inserts

One of those three-panel "Win a Million" scratchcards fell out of my newspaper this morning. Not a major or in anyway newsworthy event in itself, but I must admit my surprise. I didn't think anyone bothered with them anymore, or, to be a little more technical, I didn't think anyone was taken in by them anymore. Firstly, it actually is printed on the bottom of each panel that "Every card has a set of 3 matching symbols, 2 matching symbols and no matching symbols". Right, so you are going to 'win', half-win and not win respectively. Then, while the prize list is somewhat impressive with 1x£1m, 1x£100k, 2x£20k, 3x£10k and other things like holidays, tablet PC's city breaks all the way down to 1000 "faux" fashion watches, 1000 salon  makeovers and 1000xVIP Thames cruises. Now should I be stupid enough to spend the £1.53 a minute for the 6 minute phone call to claim my prize (that's almost a tenner, for those of you without cal...

Chancellor's letter of apology to Bob Diamond of Barclays

Thanks to my contacts at the new News International business "Phonetaps'R'Us", I was exclusively sent a copy of a letter sent to the Chief Executive of Barclays Bank, Bob Diamond, from the Chancellor yesterday. "Dear Bob Trusting you and yours are well. Listen mate. Sorry the F inancially S tupid A sses wrote to your bank yesterday to demand £290million as a fine. It's nothing personal, and just because your bank head office people are a bunch of dishonest, thieving bastards, I thought there was no reason to carry on that way and fine you. I made this clear to the FSA yesterday as soon as I heard the news. I told them that the taxpayer would have been more than happy to bail you out. And also. Look mate. Sorry you've had to give up your bonus this year. It must have come as quite a shock, and was a wonderful thing for you to volunteer to do. I only hope you've put something by from the £17million you received last year. No doubt the bank pay...

Teen music goes full circle - from long-haired louts to screamers

I confess to being somewhat amused. Remembering back to my youth, the music of the day, with albums (the vinyl type) toted around school under arms, tended to be by the untidy long-haired, wailing a set of completely nonsensical lyrics loudly into a microphone, with a couple of interruptions by a seemingly endless guitar solo. Names such as Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Yes, Genesis, Blodwyn Pig, Blind Faith, Cream, Traffic, Spencer Davis with the 4-minute wonders provided by the Rolling Stones and Status Quo. Strangely, these bands or their members are still going strong up to 50 years later! And yes, they mostly wrote all their own material and played their own instruments. And my dad hated most of them, thinking they all sounded the same (although, as a man in his mid 80's before his passing away a couple of years ago, he enjoyed the Electric Light Orchestra, Ian Dury and Queen. And unashamedly, the album of cover songs by Ozzy Osborne). Today, the wailing has now become ...