The Grumpy Old Blog

I have actually discovered a rapper who I have respect for! Yep, you read that right! A chap called "Booba", who is not at all keen on conspiracy theorists and supporters of Russia, wants the world to follow France* regarding "soshul influenzas" and the ridiculous claims they make based solely on who will pay them the most money. He says: "𝙄𝙣𝙛𝙡𝙪𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙧𝙨, 𝙖𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙚𝙣𝙩, 𝙢𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙗𝙚𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣, 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙢𝙤𝙩𝙚 𝙖 𝙘𝙪𝙡𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙚𝙢𝙥𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙥𝙞𝙙𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙬𝙞𝙣𝙙𝙡𝙚 𝙘𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙯𝙚𝙣𝙨, 𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙮 𝙩𝙚𝙚𝙣𝙖𝙜𝙚𝙧𝙨, 𝙗𝙮 𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙠." I love the latest conspiracy theory doing the rounds - someone I know is convinced (mind you, surprisingly she won't disclose where she got the info from) that all councils in England are going to bring in legislation that requires citizens not to travel mo...

They say you only get one chance to make a first impression. It is therefore very hard to keep a straight face when the first impression one gets of the "Friends of Jesus" who trumped-up at my door this morning were like the three wise men portrayed in Monty Python's "Life of Brian", only dressed in Primark's best. There was the immediate temptation to inquire if they were "friends" of Jesus in the biblical sense, that is, they went to the Nazareth High School for Boys with him and shared a deep hatred of the Romans, or whether it was just friends in a Facebooky sort of way. However, that one would have overshot the heads of the front two height-challenged people and hit the tall John Cleese lookalike firmly in the chest. I was also tempted to point out that the John Cleese lookalike should really obtain trackie bottoms that are a good two to three inches longer, thus lending a little extra gravitas to their appearance, seeing as he was wearing bla...

    I have to be otherwise convinced that some people are destined for greater things. They just don't know it yet. I was in the great emporium of retail wonder that is Asda a little earlier. It's a veritable Poundstretcher on steroids. Two young ladies, demonstrating the versatility and fine art that is shopping while on TikTok and pushing their screaming snot machines who were intent on grabbing anything they cculd reach from the confines of their strollers. These unwanted goods, on their eventual discovery, were placed by their respective mother on any convenient shelf to presumably confuse the illiterate who may then wonder what a tin of chickpeas has to do with Cadbury's Creme Eggs. These two ladies seemed to be intent on shopping not for necessities, but for anything that gained more Asda Reward points than un-extra-pointed stuff they actually needed. Ramen kits were offering £1 reward on their £3.35 retail price, at which point I heard "ask the auld [me, auld? ...

    What would we do without very expensive restaurants such as the Michelin-starred, where people pretend to know what they have ordered and then have no idea what they actually end up eating? Or the hip, with-it establishments such as the Ivy, where people with ridiculous haircuts, riveted heads and silly tattoos are served by people with equally ridiculous haircuts, riveted heads and silly tattoos. Here, guests (not "customers", because "customers" are always right!) eat mussels in such a monstrous way that it makes you want to take them to the restroom and shove their heads down the nearest toilet. With weights across the back of their necks.   The answer is really very simple.   People you don't want to see strutting their teeth, "kinda-liking", "literallying", "obviouslying" or "super-ing" everything, and those you certainly don't need or want to eat your own meal in proximity to, need somewhere to go!    Let the...

    Brilliant! February may not quite be finished, but spring MUST be on the way, as the first leaflets 'spring' through the door for the 4th May local elections. Almost 10 weeks to go, and some Labour oik who I have never heard of or ever seen before is having a go at gaining my vote. I have every faith that the respective Conservative and LibDem oiks as well the one of five-a-day, thoroughly detestable Greens will be shoving their recyclables through my letterbox soon too. I don't know why, but my paper recycling bin is to the left of my front door. Just cut out the middle man - me - and put your electioneering rubbish straight in the bin. Unlike some friends of mine who have become councillors, with their hard work benefiting the residents of places such as Swinton, Crumpsall and Prestwich, I am not interested in some oik whom I have never seen before, with his ridiculous footballer haircut and man bun, and a stupid curtain-ring earring in both ears, representing me. I ...

(A very ironic question above. . . . WTF indeed! Does even its inventor know?) Can I interest you in a motor insurance policy, there's reasonable monthy repayments . . . . . but do note that it won't pay out if you have a motor accident or if someone steals your car? Well how about buying my restaurant? It seats 70 people, has an ultra-modern catering kitchen and a fully-stocked bar . . . . . . . although, sorry, you can't serve food and drink in it, and you will have to close by 6.00pm each evening before dinner. Or maybe you’d prefer to go to DFS and pay the full retail price for a sofa? Ok. Perhaps not. Well in that case, why not try "secular koranism"? It's wonderful in the same way as you get to have a deserved rest in bed when you contract malaria. This is, admittedly a long blog. It is based purely on what I have read and replied (sometimes at length, but it seems to be water off an especially waterproof duck's back) to the inventor of this incredib...