The Grumpy Old Blog

Not content with having to continually suffer the transformation of English into our second language nationally by the cast of EastEnders, television presenters and other miscellaneous mispronouncers, the assault on grammatical correctness is now being spearheaded by the 'creative' advertising agencies who follow each other like sheep when a 'new' idea comes along.  On the pronunciation front, we have been treated to actor Idris Elba and the £ 7 million Sky campaign where he trumpets "mumfs" (months) and Game of "Frones" (Thrones), amongst his other SAS-style attacks on the English language.  The pressure is kept up by the likes of EastEnders, where they take "phoh-ohs" (photos), "faught" it was a "fret" ('thought' it was a 'threat'), have "free fings" ('three things') they need to do, use "twih-er" ('twitter') and have a "faahzand" ('thousand') p...

The BNP announced its Euro election manifesto this morning, despite most members of the party being unable to spell either ‘election’ or ‘manifesto’. Following a European ruling, it has dramatically changed the way it operates, having taken election guidance provided by the Commission specially for totally odious and objectionable political parties. The main BNP party leaders, headed by leader Adolf Griffin, Heinrich Barnpott and Bunny Hitler, gave a press conference earlier this morning. Revealing their new plans, the party has decided the following. Membership is now open to any member of the community, irrespective of their race, colour or creed, providing they are white, Anglo-Saxon and Protestant, although Catholics may be admitted in extreme circumstances. The BNP has totally changed their stance on immigration, saying that neither race, colour, creed nor ethnicity should be a bar to entering the country for social, domestic or employment purposes, provided t...

So, let me get this right. 1. Barclays rigged Libor rates. 2. They missold customers in excess of £4billion of products, including PPI and interest rate swaps . 3. They have made a £329 million loss at their investment arm that has since put aside £2.37billion for bonuses "to retain the best" (presumably the same 'best' that helped them lose £329m) 4. They lost Tom Bower's family heirloom jewellery, claiming they didn't receive two recorded delivery letters sent to them and have no video evidence of anything. 5. They are making 7,000 ordinary banking workers redundant 6. You apply for a loan or credit card with Barclays for, say, £500 7. They run a credit check on you

Well, it had to happen. A journalist somewhere was bound to announce that we have had all the seasons in one day. Now despite this, some of the other seasons tend to often get neglected, and in an attempt to bring you some of them, here they are: We’re used to hearing about the Camping Season , which for Scouts runs from approximately 31st March to 31st October each year, although for Alan Carr, the camping season lasts all year. Accompanied by extremely terrible jokes. Then there’s the Caravan Season , where Jeremy Clarkson spends 6 months with high blood pressure as he tries to overtake them on the A38 in an excruciatingly expensive and completely unnecessary car that no one can afford. The Japanese have their Scientific Season, which is a series of sporadic weeks where they slaughter endangered whales for scientific research, the results of which seem to be a closely guarded world secret. This season now looks set, thanks to a group of ...

The preparations for the by-election in Manchester's Wythenshawe and Sale ward to replace popular Labour MP Paul Goggins, who died last month are now in full swing. To help voters choose, I have a summary below to assist: Conservatives - their candidate Justin Ponsenby-Smithers-Farquarson is in ebullient mood despite the possibility he might only achieve 8th place out of the seven candidates who are campaigning. A blue tent has been erected outside the main polling station on the M56 which will be serving strawberries and cream. Unfortunately, no one has the heart to tell Mr. Ponsenby-Smithers-Farquarson that it is in fact a by-election and not a regional heat for Wimbledon and that the main polling station is not on the M56 Labour - their candidate, Mona Ledzeppelin, is campaigning hard on a "Help Bob Crow emigrate" ticket. Proving very popular and could be a potential high vote winner. She has  promised that if she is elected she will campaign hard for the national a...

The Vatican have just announced a brace of new patron saints: St Hopeless - patron saint of English cricket St Greed - patron saint of banking/privatised industry chief executives St Amazon - patron saint of tax avoidance (very close runners included St eBay, St PayPal, St Apple, St Vodafone and St Yorkshirewater St Laurelhardy - patron saint of railway ticket pricing St Cashcow - patron saint of car parking run by councils St Nochance - patron saint of lottery players St Alcapone - patro n saint of payday loan companies St Braindead - patron saint of tattooed and/or tongue-pierced women St Irritate - patron saint of X-Factor groups/'bands' St Parasite - patron saint of accident and health claim companies St Ripoff - patron saint of concert/event ticket vendors St Unecessary - patron saint of 4x4 car drivers who have never driven further than Sainsbury's or the school run St Gormless - patron saint of Big Brother TV programme

Right. It's just under a month into the new year - how much boardroom bullshit have you been subjected to by your clatter of under-qualified managers who are consistently over-remunerated for incredibly poor performance?: Going forward – loose, meaningless and overused To ' Action ' something - how about simply 'doing' it? Touch base - about as meaningful as ‘let's do lunch’ Circle back - to catch up later Blu e-sky thinking – like 'thinking outside the box' they both translate as 'doing your job' Brainstorm – just like 'thought showers', totally meaningless Low hanging fruit - means nothing, as no one knows what tasks are actually being referred to Get the ball rolling - simply means 'begin' Drill down - not, as one might think, anything to do with heavy machinery End of play - curious strain of kiddy-talk in bureaucratese Deliverables – the postman always rings twice, especially with your e-bay parcel Iss...