Predictions for 2024

 

January

New Year sales are off to a fine start with the arrival of Easter Eggs in all supermarkets. A Just Stop Oil protester will take B&Q to court because the tin of blue paint she purchased isn’t green. However, Greta Thunberg gets out of bed with a smirk on her face having lost her virginity to someone very green – the Grinch. Having come under question regarding the provision of an audit trail, the UN ask Hamas to provide them with receipts for their recently purchased rockets. Donald Trump predicts that 2024 could be cancelled as a leap year.

February

The BBC announces “Richard Osman” month where he will appear in every programme the corporation produces, either as host or as guest, apart from the weather, as his head is likely to poke up over the green screen. Elon Musk buys North Korea. Halloween outfits appear in Home Bargains. Katherine Ryan tells a joke that actually makes some people laugh. BBC weatherman, Tomasz Schafernaker, changes his name to Tom Weatherman. Joe Biden announces that he will be at the Olympics in Paris in August for some reason or other.

March

Rylan Clark causes shock and mayhem by pronouncing the “t” in the middle of the word “Britain” on live TV. The real former Nigerian Oil Minister, Diezani Alison-Madueke, cannot give away a genuine $15million ATM card to anyone. The horoscope editor of the Daily Mail fails to appear at a charity dinner in Crouch End due to “unforeseen circumstances”. Hornby Model Railways announce the cancellation of all trains on Saturdays in Hamley’s, suggesting customers may care to buy one of their replacement model buses instead.

April

Because they all look the same, Apple mistakenly announces the launch of the new iPhone 7 Pro-Pro. Samsung follows suit by announcing their new Galaxy 23 Pro-Pro-Pro actually makes phone calls. Home Bargains run out of Halloween outfits. TikTok and Instagram are both fined $100m by the USA regulator for promoting genuine, verifiable news. A contestant under 25 on “The Chase” causes host Bradley Walsh considerable discomfort during the cashbuilderr part of the programme by knowing that the River Seine is in France and that the Himalayas are a range of mountains and not a rear-end medical complaint.

May

The UK elections take place and the surviving members of Monty Python are elected to government, with D.P.Gumby (go on, check that one out; you know you want to!) appointed Prime Minister. Andrew Tate is shot in the backside at a shooting competition, the bullet narrowly missing his brain by 4 inches. In order to make people think and read more, the government announces that death announcements in newspapers will no longer be listed in alphabetical order.

June

Christmas selection boxes (limited editions), Christmas crackers (limited editions) and tubs of sweets (also limited editions, now 100g less than 2023, but at the same price) go on sale in all supermarkets. One Direction sadly announce they are reforming. However, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, the president of Turkey, declared that he is splitting up, with his suit going solo. Magician Dynamo lies in a hearse smoking a cigarette as it is driven around Bradford to prove you can safely smoke in bed.

July

Phew! The One Direction announcement last month on Instagram was found to be just a terribly unfunny joke. Thankfully, they are not reforming. However, Little Mix have threatened to reform. Gary Linekar declares that crisps are fattening and the primary reason he tends not to think before he either types or opens his mouth. ITV get into trouble when, despite the rising popularity of “Funts” (a new, all-the-rage food from the Far East), the “National Spoonerism Award” goes to the ITVBe food programme “Reality stars are all cooking funts”.

August

Bolton announces that females will not be admitted to the town centre unless they have botox lips, tattoos and dress like the late Max Wall. Elon Musk announces that he is actually an AI parody and hasn’t thought for himself for over a year. Dominic Cummings becomes a Franciscan Monk, unaware that it doesn’t mean he has to go live in a friary above an optician’s shop in San Francisco. Netflix announce “Countdown, the Musical”, claimed to be the most lavish film they have made in years, with a budget of almost $1.4billion.

September

Valentine’s Cards and Easter Eggs for 2025 are put on display in Home Bargains. New BBC reality show “Celebrity Funerals” goes into production after four solid months of sifting though the thousands of current celebrities the public wish to see being buried. Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, George Galloway and Jeremy Bowen get into trouble with Ofcom by conducting interviews without once being antisemitic. "Sir" Bob Geldof has a haircut and a shave.

October

Russell Brand announces he has contracted a sexually transmitted disease, but not from having sex. An original Vermeer worth £190million is bought for £45 on BBC’s Bargain Hunt at Norwich and sold at auction for £53; as a result, programme presenter Natasha Raskin Sharp becomes one of the greatest female pin-up sensations the world has ever known, with branches of Boots in North Wales running out of Kleenex tissues as young males rush out to buy boxes of them to celebrate in the privacy of their own bedrooms. Jeremy Corbyn is fined on 31st October for hitting a child who gave him a “penny for the guy”, thinking he was one.

November

2025 Easter Eggs sell out in Home Bargains. The John Lewis Christmas TV advertisement is slammed by the public for featuring a parody based on both the homeless on the streets and immigrants in boats. With no one now paying them any attention, Gaza invades itself so as to blame Israel. Kim Kardashian reveals, after years of causing public offence with it, that her backside is not real and was purchased from Chinese tat site "Temu" for $4.50. A finalist on “MasterChef the Professionals” cooks a meal that people can actually eat without their stomachs churning or Greg Wallace making noises similar to a 4-year-old child in a pub softball area.

December

The Christmas TV schedules are released, but realising how bad they are, they get locked back up again an hour later. Utility costs for the consumer will skyrocket for 2025 as British Gas announce their CEO’s salary will be increasing to £7million a year and Thames Water’s CEO salary to £5million a year. James Dyson receives a New Year’s Honour for his invention of the vacuum-less bag. Being Irish, Shane McGowan will pas away again, to be sure, to be sure.