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Predictions for 2023

2023 Predictions From Standard Chartered: Bitcoin $5,000, Gold Soars, And Trouble For Biden - Barrick Gold (NYSE:GOLD), Bitcoin (BTC/USD) - Benzinga

January
•    eBay crashes under the weight of unwanted Festive gifts
•    Easter eggs appear in the shops
•    The summer sales begin
•    A new Amazon holiday is declared – Black Wednesday - which will last until April
•    Elon Musk opens his wardrobe, which reveals a lion and a witch inside

February
•    The world will end once more, this time on the 29th February, despite it not being a leap year
•    A contestant on “Tipping Point” will answer “Heil” to the question “What was Hitler’s first name?”
•    A participant on “Dickinson’s Real Deal” will sell a Renoir for £27million
•    Christmas cards will go on display in Home Bargains
•    Eddy Izzard discovers that “Leica Screw” is actually how lenses for that iconic camera are described by photo experts

March
•    As the world hasn’t yet ended, it has now been postponed until July
•    Facebook takes down a “Have you received your Aldi £100 voucher?” post that was originally posted in 2019
•    Putin invades Twitter
•    FIFA declare the 2026 Word Cup will be held in Barnsley, South Yorkshire
•    iPhone announces the eagerly-awaited iPhone 25 which is identical to the previous 24 versions, but this model doesn’t actually allow the making of phone calls
•    The Department for Transport announces that railways can now offer a bus replacement service

April
•    2024 Valentine cards appear in Sainsbury’s alongside this year’s Halloween display
•    The price of electricity increases to £4 a unit
•    A Premiership football match on TV goes ahead without commentators or round-table experts and no one notices
•    The leader of Shrewsbury Council says he will accept no more than £25,000 a year salary
•    Angela Rayner, deputy leader of the Labour Party makes a very profound statement – “Water is wet”

May
•    Nigel Farage admits he is just a figment of peoples’ imagination
•    The government declares that the term “binary” can only be used by computer programmers
•    Ye West admits that he is in fact Enid Blyton
•    Osama Bin Laden is discovered with Michael Jackson serving in a fish and chop shop in Cheam that is owned by Elvis Presley
•    Amazon UK pays over £1 in corporation tax, making a severe dent in its 2023 £37billion UK profit

June
•    Yorkshire announces a hosepipe ban, despite the previous four months seeing constant rain
•    Iran is proposed for a Nobel Human Rights award by the United Nations
•    Harry Hill announces he is allergic to shirts
•    Rylan Clark pronounces the “t” in the middle of the word "Britain"
•    The Christmas sales begin
•    David Walliams will accuse a “Britain’s Got Talent” entrant of being a “delectable, highly-desirable and very talented contestant”
•    Greta Thunberg will be declared “St Mona of Climate” by the Vatican

July
•    Still no sign of the world ending
•    Prince Harry and Megan Markle have been declared a bank holiday in the UK
•    “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here” 2023 will not have any celebrities in it – so nothing different there then
•    An 11-year-old will be knocked out of the first round of the Aberystwyth tiddledywinks championship and will immediately be awarded an OBE
•    Presenter of ITV’s “Tenable”, Warwick Davis, will be revealed to have been a former WWE champion
•    Lotto increases the number of balls in the national lottery to 89

August
•    Thames Water advises customers to flush their toilets only once a week
•    Gary Lineker drops Walkers Crisps in favour of Greggs
•    Mrs Betty Scraggs of Walthamstow shares a taxi with the Dali Llama
•    2024 Valentine’s cards appear in the shops
•    Santa arrives at John Lewis
•    Residents of Hull begin setting off fireworks in honour of Guy Fawkes
•    Pakistan outlaws raita as “loosening the morals of the fabric of society” – meanwhile vindaloo continues to loosen the bowels of society worldwide

September
•    Mystic Meg, the triumphant return of the former national lottery predicter is cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances
•    Dundee declares its independence
•    It will be decreed illegal to eat custard in Harrogate
•    Grampian’s TV weatherman is declared a national liar
•    There will be a potato famine in the Sahara Desert
•    A litre of petrol reaches £10
•    The new cryptocurrency "Craptocon" coin is launched valued at 7p each

October
•    Lord Attenborough will announce that the South Pole is not just a stick in the ground
•    The Flat Earth Society discovers that the moon is in fact made of cheese, as proven by their new president, Jerry from Tom and Jerry
•    Doncaster is struck by an earthquake that causes £500milion of architectural improvements
•    A shed in the Peak District town of Castleton is declared a cathedral, thus qualifying the town as having city status
•    “Bulleseye” returns to television, but contestants now have to appear in the nude
•    ITV's Emmerdate Tour is revealed as a walkaround in a caravan outside Ripon

November
•    2024 has been cancelled and 2025 will take immediate effect at 1 second past midnight this coming 1st January
•    The price of a return “walk on” rail ticket from Leeds to London goes into four figures for the first time
•    The USA administration makes it a crime to post facts on Twitter or Facebook
•    The temporary beach in Manchester’s Trafford Centre is cited the cleanest in the UK
•    Ozzy Osborne is declared a national treasure, along with many other exhibits at the Natural History Museum
•    Clapham Junction is renamed “Clapham Disaster”

December
•    Easter eggs go on sale a month earlier than during 2022
•    Irish clothing chain Primark reveals a “buy one get none free” offer across all lines stocked in their stores. Shoplifters will be said to be very confused
•    The fight scenes in the new Yorkshire Tea advertisement feature real weapons and live ammunition
•    For the first time, l’Oreal reveal what they actually mean by “your worth it”
•    People without a tattoo are not permitted to enter Bolton

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