Predictions for 2025

January

• The new 2^nd January “Shove the unwanted crap you received as presents for Christmas on eBay Day” proves very successful

• Easter eggs go on sale in supermarkets, many left over from last year with a best-before date of 15 March 2029

• Jeremy Corbyn announces he is to be the leader of the newly formed “Lederhosen Party” and aims to attract people who are there but who don’t think they are involved

• A contestant on a quiz show shocks the nation by naming a past winner of “The Voice”

• Amazon announce a raft of virtual reality wage increases for staff

• President Trump makes it illegal for anyone to refer to a fart as a “trump”

• The great DFS sale begins

February

• David Lammy is announced as the new host of “Sorry I haven’t a Clue” on Radio 4

• The National Lottery increases the number of balls to 89 in line with the increase of the CEO’s annual salary to £6milllion

• The new “Whack the Fare (WTF)” initiative for cheap intercity rail travel to London sees a special “walk on” First Class return fare of £40 off peak, providing you book four years in advance

• A major call centre taking thousands of calls daily finally reveals precisely what “training purposes” their recorded calls are used for

• The great DFS sale continues

March

• “Home Bargains” and “The Range” install their Christmas goodies in store, featuring a vast array of tat made in China

• A special “Albert Einstein, Dr. Seuss and Lady GaGa” birthday remembrance commemoration day fails spectacularly as most TikTok and Instagram followers have never heard of any of them, and those who have, are totally confused as to who they are

• The BBC employs a continuity announcer who can pronounce basic words and actually speak English correctly

• The BBC’s Jeremy Bowen and Lyse Doucette share the prestigious “Isaac Asimov Science Fiction Writer of the Year” award for their coverage of Israel and the Middle East

• The great DFS sale is still on

April

• The April Fools’ joke by the Metro ‘Newspaper’ to carry a real news story on the front cover backfires spectacularly

• 5^th April is the first day in years that there is not a programme on TV that has neither Romesh Ranganathan, Rob Beckett nor Richard Osman in it

• The Chancellor announces the price of all ‘physical’ vehicle fuel is to drop to 40p a litre, except for petrol, diesel, LPG and hydrogen.

• Costumes go on sale for Halloween, and fireworks for Bonfire Night

• The remaining leaders of terrorist group Hamas are awarded Honorary Doctorates in Antisemitism by Colombia University for their new sage and onion homicide belts for turkeys that stuns, kills and stuffs them all at the same time

• No sign of the DFS sale finishing

May

• David Duke of the mentally deranged Ku Klux Klan group reveals precisely what it was that their knights in white sat in that makes them smell like such verminous racists

• Despite the school summer holidays being over two months away, supermarkets start their “Back to School” advertising campaigns

• Rachel Reeves announces a new initiate where the government aims to “Get Breakfast Done” by providing muesli, yoghurt and nuts all from UK producers at subsidised prices

• “Standing-only” fares are now available on all RyanAir flights

• Amanda Holden is rushed to hospital for appearing in a TV programme without once guffawing like a demented hyena

• DFS sale is still on

June

• Rachel Reeves unveils her new CV featuring a space walk around the International Space Station, walking along the bottom of the Mariana Trench and jogging to to the top of Everest wearing a pair of “Sliders”

• End of financial year figures for Google, Meta, Amazon, Apple, eBay and Temu reveal that they have collectively paid £46.53 in corporation tax in the UK during 2024 on their collective profits of £45billion. The Chancellor hails this a total success for their new corporation tax rules

• The government announce a new tax on tax avoidance

• In the King’s Birthday Honours List, both Len McCluskey and Roger Waters are the first two people to ever receive the new honor recognising they have made zero contribution to society in the past 20 years

• Yep, still no sign of the DFS sale finishing

July

• The 1^st of July is announced as “No repeats on BBC TV today Day” the first time for over 15 years there has not been a repeat of a programme that licence payers are expected to pay for again, having already paid for it when it was originally made and transmitted

• Labour blame 14 years of Tory rule for the fact they only collected a total of £46.53 in corporation tax last month from Google, Meta, Amazon, Apple, eBay and Temu

• While the DFS sale is still on, SCS have now joined in with their sale too

• The new reality show “Celebrities Shits” is an instant success, with many so-called celebrities not even having to perform any toilet duties whatsoever being voted into the finals

August

• Ticketmaster announce that tickets for the “Greatful Dead” reunion tour in 28 months time featuring Michael Jackson, Elvis, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain and many other famous stars from the past that they have, as it were, “dug up specially” for the occasion are now on sale, plus service fee

• After 5 days of summer rainfall equal to almost the total rainfall for two winter months, Yorkshire Water announce a hosepipe ban

• The great DFS and SCS sale continues, promising delivery for Christmas

• Sir Ed Davey performs as a lion tamer in an attempt to gain votes for his LibDem candidate in a by-election in Scotland. The Speaker of the House is fuming that Sir Ed uses his chair.

September

• According to the Daily Express, the late Diana, Princess of Wales, is still deceased

• For the 10^th successive year, Bono declares that if something he doesn’t like happens, he will drive his car off a very high cliff. He then claims at a concert that every time he claps his hands, a child in Africa dies. He is asked to stop clapping and get into his car.

• A new “Pay by App” is announced for the country’s largest car park, the M25

• The great DFS and SCS sale is still on. Sofology have now joined in

October

• The iPhone 29 is introduced, looking spectacularly like all previous 28 iPhones, except for the iPhone m29 Pro Plus Pro Pro Plus Pro, which spectacularly like all previous 28 iPhone. Exceptionally stupid people queue outside Apple shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one

• Your 4-year-old son is confused how there can be a different Santa sitting in the grotto of five separate shops in the shopping centre

• Alice Cooper is appointed as the new Secretary of State for the Arts by President Trump

• Yes, the great DFS, SCS and Sofology sale continues

November

• In a groundbreaking retail move, Home Bargains has introduced its Easter campaign products in store 5 months rather than 3 months before Easter 2025

• The Oxford Union debate “Are university students by and large generally stupid and believe any old trash fed to them by crazy far-left wingers” breaks the Guinness Book of Records for support votes. According to the head of maths at the university, of the votes cast, 109% were solidly in agreement with the motion

• A ‘rapper’ begins the new craze of no tattoos, baseball hats worn the right way around and jeans worn correctly with a belt and no underpants showing

• Absolutely no stopping the great DFS, SCS and Sofology sale. World of Leather has now joined in as a late contender

December

• Angela Rayner suddenly starts pronouncing the “t” in the middle of words (those with a “t” in of course – not just random words)

• The annual “Joke of the Year” has been won jointly by George “Mad Hatter” Galloway and Jeremy “Magic Grandpa” Corbyn because the fact people support them is as hilarious as it is dangerous to society

• Thousands of customers are still waiting for their DFS, SCS, Sofology and World of Leather suites that were due by Christmas.