Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Predictions for 2014

January – the world will end on the 14th at 2.00pm, but thankfully, Microsoft will dash to the rescue and reboot the world at 2.01pm. However, several .sys and .dll files will nevertheless fail. Ebay crashes due to the level of unwanted Christmas presents people are getting rid of

February – a bank will announce that it might have mistakenly miss-sold thousands of its customers insurance products they didn’t need at the time when they didn’t want them. Apple unveils an updated iPhone that sees very stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one

March – BBC 1 goes through an entire day (18th) without showing a single repeat. Licence payers are shocked, and hospital admissions soar through the roof, which is the only place to get a bed. Amazon, Apple, Ebay and PayPal announce they are going to pay what they consider is a fair amount of UK tax to make up for previous years of tax avoidance. 1% tax

April – the supermarkets begin their Christmas 2014 campaigns, clearing the shelves of the basic staple goods people need in order to make way for fake trees, baubles, gaudy wrapping paper and left-over selection boxes from 2013. Apple unveils an updated iPhone that sees very stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one

May – Prince Charles takes the throne, only to be told by his mother to bugger off back to Clarence House and get on with watching the Jeremy Kyle show. The Daily Express reports that Princess Diana is still dead

June – “Britain’s got Reality” is a new show from Simon Cowell that sees all the other reality shows compete against one another to see which is the worst. Judges are Margaret Hodge, John Lydon, the late Alan Wicker and a nine year-old from Frome who thinks they’re all crap. Apple unveils an updated iPhone that sees very stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one.

July – it has been raining all over the country non-stop for 12 days now, with 30% flooding. Yorkshire still has a hosepipe ban in place. Gas, electricity and rail fare prices are suddenly increased by 23%

August - RyanAir refund the cost of a flight to someone. The fact that the ‘someone’ is a prominent member of Al-Qaeda isn’t thought to be of relevance. Much to existing customers’ annoyance, Sky offers a free Mini Cooper with every new 18-month subscription.

September – a social network site fails, leaving millions of subscribers’ personal information in limbo, staff redundant, suppliers unpaid and the chief executive as a multi-millionaire without a care in the world. Apple unveils an updated iPhone that sees very stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one

October – the supermarkets have cleared their Christmas tat to make way for Easter eggs, although Christmas advertising on television ramps up to even more infuriating proportions. The iWatch, with a screen the size of a small matchbox, will be the hit of the year, despite the fact people won’t be able to see it without a 25x magnifying glass, neither will they be able to do anything with it. The extraordinarily stupid people who would otherwise queue outside the Apple store for a slightly update iPhone or iPad, stupidly queue up outside the Apple store for this piece of soon-to-be-superceded junk

November – Nintendo unveil what they think is going to be the hit toy of the year - a small black box with two simple joysticks that control a small white ball that players hit to’ and fro’ across a green screen. Now that people are beginning to use 4G telephone services, the immediate roll out of 5G, which doesn’t work on any phone currently available, is announced

December – despite the previous seven months of Christmas consumer advertising for games consoles, tablets, phones, clothes etc, the Advertising Standards Authority take a church in Roehampton to court for daring to mention Jesus in its promotional Christmas activities

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