Well,
another year over, and a new one just about to begin. By special
request (i.e. the wife and kids asked me not to), here are my
predictions for the year 2019:
January
The date for the annual November “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday” sale event is announced by Amazon. November. All 30 days of it. Chocolate eggs for Easter 2020 go on sale in Sainsbury’s. Weightwatchers come up with a new resolution to weight loss – they encourage you to help all of your friends gain 15 pounds so you look thinner. To demonstrate Diane Abbott is not as stupid as she is, Jeremy Corbyn encourages her to take an IQ test, which proves negative.
February
So as not to be accused of turning kids into moronic zombies, Snapchat starts a campaign to encourage its users to read more. They put sub-titles on their pages. A story about Brexit makes it on to the front page of the Beano. George Galloway announces he is changing sex to become a man. Labour blame the Tories for something which the Tories blame the LibDems for who in turn blame the SNP when it was actually the fault of the DUP all along.
March
One Direction announce they are splitting up. Girls start fainting in their tens of thousands. One Direction apologise that they forgot they had already split up in 2016. David Beckham finds an area of skin that hasn’t been tattooed. Aliens land in Doncaster, see what a craphole it is and leave immediately. Britain leaves the EU.
April
Britain re-joins the EU. Labour declare that if they are elected to government, they will ban the John Lewis, Asda and Argos Christmas advertisements due to start next month. The Mayor of Liverpool unveils a new roundabout, the largest in the UK, made entirely from hubcaps stolen in the city. Mike Ashley of Sports Direct announces he is taking over bankrupt Peterborough Council and making it the first Pay-As-You-Go Council in the country.
May
Elon Musk announces that he has found a way to offer hairdressing online. Meanwhile his new electric car Tesla 5 is announced with a range of over 25 miles between charges. Sir Bagless Dyson declares that he is developing an electronic helicopter. The Welsh Government concede to popular demand and announce that for ease of use, Welsh words will, from now on, contain vowels. The late Sir Harold Wilson declares he will be running for leadership of the Labour Party. Jeremy Corbyn campaigns for Venezuela to be allowed enter the Eurovision Song Contest.
June
Yorkshire Water announces a hosepipe ban ‘just in case’. The National Lottery increases the number of Lotto balls to 102 as the new Gambling Tsar declares that advertisement breaks on television will be limited to seven bingo sites each. Gladstone Brookes announce their own TV station devoted entirely to the PPI deadline in August.
July
Virgin Trains announce a new travel initiative whereby if you can find a Manchester-London return train ticket cheaper than a return flight from Manchester to New York, they will refund the difference. President Trump admits he is a figment of the Republican Party’s imagination. The Green party announces plans to fight farming, saying “Plants are people, too!”
August
Tesla announces plan to build psychic autonomous driving software that predicts where you’ll want to go before you’ve made a decision. The Labour Shadow Energy Secretary says Labour are declaring war on coal. George Ezra announces he is splitting up. Giant Haystacks is the new face of WeightWatchers. Easter Eggs for 2021 go on sale in Sainsbury’s. Despite the best efforts of Labour, the 2019 John Lewis, Asda and Argos Christmas advertisements begin airing.
September
As the effects of the warmest summer since 2018 take hold, Yorkshire Water declares their hose pipe ban is to continue. Ozzy Osborne confirms he is still alive. Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott sues Italy for inventing pasta and pizza thus creating the current obesity crisis. Dyson develop the first nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner.
October
Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell admits he has been dating all Labour Party Cheques “2017”. Sub-aqua suits (torn at the knees) become a popular fashion item. A privet hedge is declared odds-on favourite to win “X-Factor”. Valentine cards for 2020 go on sale in Sainsbury’s.
November
Black Friday and Cyber Monday month begins. President Trump finally ditches the idea of his Mexican wall in favour of an invisible dog fence. School safety is outsourced to private military contractors. The Rolling Stones announce their 60th Anniversary tour. The LibDems announce that in the run-up to Christmas, to avoid death on the roads, motorists should drive on the pavement.
December
Artificial Intelligence bots will serve as proxies to fight our social media wars, relieving us all of the anxiety of fighting each other on Facebook and Twitter. Ticketmaster announce the ending of the hated “booking fee” and instead announce the introduction of a flat fee for each visit to their website regardless of whether you are booking their overpriced tickets a year in advance of an event or not.
January
The date for the annual November “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday” sale event is announced by Amazon. November. All 30 days of it. Chocolate eggs for Easter 2020 go on sale in Sainsbury’s. Weightwatchers come up with a new resolution to weight loss – they encourage you to help all of your friends gain 15 pounds so you look thinner. To demonstrate Diane Abbott is not as stupid as she is, Jeremy Corbyn encourages her to take an IQ test, which proves negative.
February
So as not to be accused of turning kids into moronic zombies, Snapchat starts a campaign to encourage its users to read more. They put sub-titles on their pages. A story about Brexit makes it on to the front page of the Beano. George Galloway announces he is changing sex to become a man. Labour blame the Tories for something which the Tories blame the LibDems for who in turn blame the SNP when it was actually the fault of the DUP all along.
March
One Direction announce they are splitting up. Girls start fainting in their tens of thousands. One Direction apologise that they forgot they had already split up in 2016. David Beckham finds an area of skin that hasn’t been tattooed. Aliens land in Doncaster, see what a craphole it is and leave immediately. Britain leaves the EU.
April
Britain re-joins the EU. Labour declare that if they are elected to government, they will ban the John Lewis, Asda and Argos Christmas advertisements due to start next month. The Mayor of Liverpool unveils a new roundabout, the largest in the UK, made entirely from hubcaps stolen in the city. Mike Ashley of Sports Direct announces he is taking over bankrupt Peterborough Council and making it the first Pay-As-You-Go Council in the country.
May
Elon Musk announces that he has found a way to offer hairdressing online. Meanwhile his new electric car Tesla 5 is announced with a range of over 25 miles between charges. Sir Bagless Dyson declares that he is developing an electronic helicopter. The Welsh Government concede to popular demand and announce that for ease of use, Welsh words will, from now on, contain vowels. The late Sir Harold Wilson declares he will be running for leadership of the Labour Party. Jeremy Corbyn campaigns for Venezuela to be allowed enter the Eurovision Song Contest.
June
Yorkshire Water announces a hosepipe ban ‘just in case’. The National Lottery increases the number of Lotto balls to 102 as the new Gambling Tsar declares that advertisement breaks on television will be limited to seven bingo sites each. Gladstone Brookes announce their own TV station devoted entirely to the PPI deadline in August.
July
Virgin Trains announce a new travel initiative whereby if you can find a Manchester-London return train ticket cheaper than a return flight from Manchester to New York, they will refund the difference. President Trump admits he is a figment of the Republican Party’s imagination. The Green party announces plans to fight farming, saying “Plants are people, too!”
August
Tesla announces plan to build psychic autonomous driving software that predicts where you’ll want to go before you’ve made a decision. The Labour Shadow Energy Secretary says Labour are declaring war on coal. George Ezra announces he is splitting up. Giant Haystacks is the new face of WeightWatchers. Easter Eggs for 2021 go on sale in Sainsbury’s. Despite the best efforts of Labour, the 2019 John Lewis, Asda and Argos Christmas advertisements begin airing.
September
As the effects of the warmest summer since 2018 take hold, Yorkshire Water declares their hose pipe ban is to continue. Ozzy Osborne confirms he is still alive. Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott sues Italy for inventing pasta and pizza thus creating the current obesity crisis. Dyson develop the first nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner.
October
Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell admits he has been dating all Labour Party Cheques “2017”. Sub-aqua suits (torn at the knees) become a popular fashion item. A privet hedge is declared odds-on favourite to win “X-Factor”. Valentine cards for 2020 go on sale in Sainsbury’s.
November
Black Friday and Cyber Monday month begins. President Trump finally ditches the idea of his Mexican wall in favour of an invisible dog fence. School safety is outsourced to private military contractors. The Rolling Stones announce their 60th Anniversary tour. The LibDems announce that in the run-up to Christmas, to avoid death on the roads, motorists should drive on the pavement.
December
Artificial Intelligence bots will serve as proxies to fight our social media wars, relieving us all of the anxiety of fighting each other on Facebook and Twitter. Ticketmaster announce the ending of the hated “booking fee” and instead announce the introduction of a flat fee for each visit to their website regardless of whether you are booking their overpriced tickets a year in advance of an event or not.
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