Skip to main content

We are delighted to announce....

Yes. There's always some company, somewhere, that is "delighted to announce".

Me, I'm delighted about their increased level of delight, although, if truth be told, I don't, in reality,  give a monkey's banana.

When I was editor of a monthly business magazine in Leeds some moons ago, I allowed the 'news' section to grow to some 8-10 pages, mainly to allow those members of the Chamber who didn't use many of the services or attend many of the events to at least see some sort of presence within the business environs of the city via their press release in the magazine.

It also led to the odd free lunch now and again for some product launch, ceremony, ministerial visit or other.

However, the blue pencil always went through any references to their level of "delight".

I allowed them to be totally delighted within the confines of their own offices, rather than worry their fellow Chamber members, or for that matter, me, with their delight.

"For your comfort and safety, this station operates a no-smoking policy" the mechanised lady in the PA system reminds passengers every few minutes at Leeds Rail Station.

No love, I'm afraid you have that completely wrong. You should be saying "Because of government policy, you are not allowed to smoke in this station."

And your other saying, "A selection of hot and cold snacks is available on the train" really needs to be changed. "A selection of over-priced crap that Heath and Safety haven't quite got around to condemning yet, and which you could have otherwise purchased on the High Street for less than half the price, is available on the train."

We always seem to have announcements and notices bringing a panoply of important hogwash to our attention. It's the Sainsbury's effect, where we were warned, once upon a time, with the notice on the jar that stated "This peanut butter may contain traces of nuts and could therefore be unsuitable for use by people with nut allergies". Ah, so your peanut butter might otherwise be a fraud and contain cement instead then guys?

And as a final couple, the great bus statements. "Do not alight from the bus while it is moving". The average pensioner would have to be David Copperfield in order to get through the closed doors when the bus is in motion. 

And. "Do not stand in front of the white line or engage the driver in conversation". For many people, unless they are wearing their reading glasses, they have to stand in front of the white line in order to read the notice!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Pirate Bay threatened with closure - doesn't affect me

Swedish file sharing website The Pirate Bay is now under threat following legal action by the British Phonographic Industry last December. They alleged that the website "infringes copyright on a massive scale” regarding the sharing of computer games, software, films and music. Point taken, and one can't for one minute deny that copyright is being infringed on quite a massive scale, not just on Pirate Bay, but all around the internet. However, with due respect to the originators of the shared files, I have never used Pirate Bay myself, except perhaps on very odd occasions for software, films and music. I never use Pirate Bay for software, because I prefer to pay an outlandish price for another seemingly pointless update to Microsoft Office that neither improves my speed nor productivity. And I am quite happy to part with hard earned cash to a company that has already earned a fortune from me - and others - with their updates over the years. And as for the recent update of Pho...

Airport amusement

There is no doubt that airports can be quite amusing places. That is apart from being told by a burly security supervisor at the x-ray gate that thanks to the only contribution Yasser Arafat ever made to society, I had to remove my belt, shoes, watch and place my AK-47 in the tray provided. Watching people going around their travel ‘business’ in airports and on board the aircraft is hilarious. There are those who are plainly not very good at it, continually checking all manner of minutiae with the other members of the party. “Do we go to the gate?”, “Have we time for a beer?”, “I MUST get a pizza”. There are those who have plainly not done it much before and like their fellow travellers to be made fully aware of the exact opposite, as they point and gesture to the monitor shouting out their destination and boarding gate at every passing opportunity to one and all around them. There are those who think they are something special – despite the fact they are travelling via bu...

Are Camelot dim, dysfunctional, liars or just plain greedy?

There can be no denying that UK lottery operators Camelot are on to a good thing. Especially the overpaid management. They have been reaping the benefits of the franchise for years now - a franchise that in essence, has been licenced by the government to print money. However, I can't quite make up my mind whether the management of the Lotto are dim, dysfunctional, liars or just plain greedy, although the cynic in me answers the question when I consider the chief Executive of Camelot was complaining last year that the annual bonus on her not inconsiderable 7-figure salary had been reduced (conveniently forgetting her 18 year sojourn to date at Camelot has produced a pension we mere mortals can only dream about. How about the poor soldiers, CEO Dianne Thompson, who come back from the far-east minus a leg and have to legally fight for compensation that doesn't even touch what you earn less than a month? And they don't receive CBE's for their troubles either !). Irres...