Thursday, 19 July 2012

We are delighted to announce....

Yes. There's always some company, somewhere, that is "delighted to announce".

Me, I'm delighted about their increased level of delight, although, if truth be told, I don't, in reality,  give a monkey's banana.

When I was editor of a monthly business magazine in Leeds some moons ago, I allowed the 'news' section to grow to some 8-10 pages, mainly to allow those members of the Chamber who didn't use many of the services or attend many of the events to at least see some sort of presence within the business environs of the city via their press release in the magazine.

It also led to the odd free lunch now and again for some product launch, ceremony, ministerial visit or other.

However, the blue pencil always went through any references to their level of "delight".

I allowed them to be totally delighted within the confines of their own offices, rather than worry their fellow Chamber members, or for that matter, me, with their delight.

"For your comfort and safety, this station operates a no-smoking policy" the mechanised lady in the PA system reminds passengers every few minutes at Leeds Rail Station.

No love, I'm afraid you have that completely wrong. You should be saying "Because of government policy, you are not allowed to smoke in this station."

And your other saying, "A selection of hot and cold snacks is available on the train" really needs to be changed. "A selection of over-priced crap that Heath and Safety haven't quite got around to condemning yet, and which you could have otherwise purchased on the High Street for less than half the price, is available on the train."

We always seem to have announcements and notices bringing a panoply of important hogwash to our attention. It's the Sainsbury's effect, where we were warned, once upon a time, with the notice on the jar that stated "This peanut butter may contain traces of nuts and could therefore be unsuitable for use by people with nut allergies". Ah, so your peanut butter might otherwise be a fraud and contain cement instead then guys?

And as a final couple, the great bus statements. "Do not alight from the bus while it is moving". The average pensioner would have to be David Copperfield in order to get through the closed doors when the bus is in motion. 

And. "Do not stand in front of the white line or engage the driver in conversation". For many people, unless they are wearing their reading glasses, they have to stand in front of the white line in order to read the notice!

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