The Grumpy Old Blog

Well, the Wokists have had two weeks over the holiday to ruminate over the delights they are bound to hit us all with tomorrow, the first "real" day back at work. I wonder what feats of wonderment they will have in store for us all. Here are some inspirational thoughts if you are a Wokist and struggling. 1. "White" Christmas - you need to set the record straight for Bing. 2. Expanding the line from Michael Jackson's song "It don't matter if you're black or white" as well as the John Kongos – Tokoloshe Man and Gary Moore - Out in the Fields song lyrics "It makes no difference if you're black or if you're white". Use a rhyming dictionary if you struggle with matching up "LGBTQ" and "Sam Smith" with something 3. You have until 20th April to come up with some reason to spoil Easter for everyone (get your skates on Birmingham Council - you seem to champion ruining normal people's fun) 4. Changing the name o...

January The new 2 nd January “ Shove the unwanted crap you received as presents for Christmas on eBay Day ” proves very successful Easter eggs go on sale in supermarkets, many left over from last year with a best-before date of 15 March 2029 Jeremy Corbyn announces he is to be the leader of the newly formed “ Lederhosen Party ” and aims to attract people who are there but who don’t think they are involved A contestant on a quiz show shocks the nation by naming a past winner of “ The Voice ” Amazon announce a raft of virtual reality wage increases for staff President Trump makes it illegal for anyone to refer to a fart as a “ trump ” The great DFS sale begins February David Lammy is announced as the new host of “ Sorry I haven’t a Clue ” on Radio 4 The National Lottery increases the number of balls to 89 in line with the increase of the CEO’s annual salary to £6milllion The new “ Whack the Fare (WTF) ” initiative for cheap intercity rail travel to London sees a s...

The Royal Variety Performance - a decided variety in lack of talent Well. I decided to watch the Royal Variety I had recorded on Sunday (makes sense to have recorded it on Sunday, as that is the date it was transmitted) last night, there being "not a lot"© on. (©Paul Daniels) I managed to watch this year's very piss-poor 2¾ marathon effort (even the shots of His Majesty laughing saw him just doing this to be polite to the comedians) in 30 minutes, my single longest attentive span on natural speed playback being the excellent "Oliver" stage production excerpt. I did get rather excited when Stephen Mulhern, returning to magic for his guest spot, made Amanda "Lips" Holden disappear. However, much to my total disappointment and despondency, this disappearance wasn't permanent, and very sadly, she returned. Penn and Teller were worse than awful, and while I tend to watch comedienne Ellie Taylor for everything except her jokes, her repeated usage of ...

 I was fascinated by the informative "Photdump" article on Page 12 of the January edition of "The Oldie" written by Richard Godwin. I suspect Richard is NOT an "Oldie", as he is a user of modern-day, over-utilised, nonsensical "Amaricanese". I have been a very effusive photographer all my life, one time even annoying the NUJ by taking photographs myself to illustrate my magazine articles. However, I never once submitted, have had, or held onto a "whole bunch of photographs". A "considerable collection" or "numerous photographs at one time" yes, perhaps so. Never a "bunch", which tends to be reserved to describe the collective gathering of cut flowers I occasionally buy a loved one. However, by "bunching" photographs, they would most certainly become considerably crumpled, totally unusable if traditionally printed, or indeed very "inter pixellated" were they to be "bunched" toge...

  With potential change-of-job time of year on the horizon, here are some answers to the age-old standard question every good ( 🤣 🤣 🤮 ) HR person asks at an interview. "What do you feel you can bring to the business?" 1. On a Friday, a 12-portion Black Forest Gateaux 2. Class A drugs that we can split the proceed from on a 50/50 basis 3. A very loud klaxon (Nigel Farage - he's the MP for Klaxon isn't he?) that is triggered every time someone says "basically", "obviously", "literally", "reach out", uses "super" as either an adverb or adjective or tells a customer "We take such issues very seriously" 4. A proper personnel manager who will do what you currently do far more efficiently and effectively, but on half the salary 5. Will run sessions to teach staff how to pronounce the "h" at the beginning of a word that begins with "h", the "g" at the end of a gerund and any "t...

I have zero problems with vegetarians who simply do not wish to chew on Daisy the cow, Larry the lamb, or for North Koreans, Chinese, and potentially the French who will eat absolutely anything covered in garlic, Spot the dog. I have similarly zero problems with vegans who may have medical dietary requirements that require it. I do have a big problem with vegans who are "super-happy, basically, obviously, literally and awesome" and who do it for the sake of telling everyone how "super-happy, basically, obviously, literally and awesome" their diet "journey" (pass the sick bag) of organic wallpaper, synthetic water and wooden (organic of course) coathanger steaks is. One of my neighbours, named Noelle is one such highly-irritating vegan, where "super-happy, basically, obviously, literally and awesome" are the only English words she appears to be able to speak. Oh, to be fair, that's is, along with six other words and an acronym "Love, Isla...

  Surreal experience in my local convenience (well, it's a 15 minute walk, so not really convenient) store which doubles up as a Yodel parcel store. I sold some tat on Vinted and went to "post" it, the new owner assuming delivery to them by using Yodel might indeed materialise this year. Anyway, the shop is owned, somewhat unusually, by a Mrs Wong (I never phone the shop in case I DON'T get the Wong number) whose lovely daughter usually manages it. However, today, Mrs Wong herself was at the helm. Her English is a bit 'suspect' at times.   Now a fellow worker on the magazine at the publisher I worked for in Dublin many decades ago was named Barry Knight. After much gesticulation, pointing and pleasant surreal conversation of which I had no idea what she was talking about, Mrs. Wrong announced as I was leaving, "Your Barry Knight". I replied "Sorry, no, I'm not" to which she looked rather dismayed. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the ...