What did you do for the Coronation

I was asked rather accusingly this morning about what I will be doing for the King's Coronation.

Well, if it's cash in hand, His Majesty had my contact details. Perhaps I could have:

* Kick-started the Gold State Coach

* Write some jokes for Huw Edwards for when he starts talking total nonsense to fill in the pregnant pauses when absolutely nothing is happening

* Prevent people from laughing at how Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice are dressed

* Remind commentators that Love Island contestants and Judy Murray are NOT celebrities

* Lock Piers Morgan in the boot of a Volvo in Victoria outside the National Express station and tape the keys to the back of a bus heading to Aberdeen

* Look after Joe Biden's Zimmer frame

* Ensure Diane Abbot doesn't write to the Observer about the event

* Explain to TikTokkers that the tins of evaporated milk they have brought along to have autographed by members of the Royal Party are "Carnation"

* Explain to people that the queue outside Westminster Abbey is not for this week's "Bargain Hunt"