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Smart phones, stupid people

Fair dues to my insurance provider for their call centre being open and answering the phone within three minutes. Although I do feel the workers deserve their bank holiday and I could have waited until tomorrow.
 
BUT. 
 
Although over the phone, I don't believe the charming gent on the other end of the phone was aware he was waving a red flag at this grumpy old bull.
 
"Thank you for reaching out" - no Romesh, I phoned and you very kindly answered. My arms have been almost in the same position by my side during most of my endeavours to contact your company.
 
"I can feel your pain" - really Romesh? Have you had a bout of gout recently then too? No, nothing painful to feel really, I'm afraid dear chap; I was just not able to log into my account to renew my policy. Frustrating but not especially painful.
 
"My core competencies don't extend to PC problems I'm afraid" - no need to be afraid Romesh. Perhaps try one of your peripheral or even out-of-body competencies instead.
 
"I'm buying into your problem" - really, out of your own pocket? Aw shucks Romesh, that's very kind of you, but there's really no need to. Oh, hang on, maybe you'd care to pay off my credit card in full instead then!
 
I'm only glad he was, yes, well anticipated by you, "super happy" to have been able to help me today.

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