The Grumpy Old Blog

As I write this, there are only seven hours to go until a year until Eurovision 2024.  Yes, we'll have the tabloids shouting "Livertastic" and The Metro quoting some idiotic soshul influenza nonentity in tears, sobbing how "like, super brilliant" and how "like, super happy" she is, while toting some illegal derma filler she's promoting to her flock of sheep for a vast fee under the guise of "like, all her own, like, super work". Also as I write, the BBC are winding up their language booths to provide a translation service for what the BBC presenters are saying about how "exih-id" they are with Eurovision from their version of English into a version of English the rest of the population can understand. Sadly, the time has now run out for viewers to obtain the free Eurovision anti-glare spectacles to guard against the dangerous light rays reflected back from Rylan's teeth. It has united the main UK political parties that the o...

Just back from performing my civic duty, although I was quite upset to see no Monster Raving Loony Party candidates on the ballot. As you can see from the photo, it didn't get off to a spectacularly good start at the polling station. Presumably, it was a helpful prospective local councillor covering all angles . . . or entrances/exits (there was only one, and that was to the left). Managed to pick up the local pedestrian, as opposed to bus, lunatic on the way. Like a fool, when he asked where I was going, I said "to vote", to which he replied "so am I pal, I'll walk with you". He was full of enlightening and vital information, or as it might otherwise be more correctly termed, conspiracy theories. It was a wonderful list. Unusually for me I just nodded and let him get on with it. The breadth of his knowledge on current affairs was fantastic, albeit in a very Captain Fantastic and the Dirt Brown Cowboy sort of fashion. How people reach such incredible heigh...

I was asked rather accusingly this morning about what I will be doing for the King's Coronation. Well, if it's cash in hand, His Majesty had my contact details. Perhaps I could have: * Kick-started the Gold State Coach * Write some jokes for Huw Edwards for when he starts talking total nonsense to fill in the pregnant pauses when absolutely nothing is happening * Prevent people from laughing at how Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice are dressed * Remind commentators that Love Island contestants and Judy Murray are NOT celebrities * Lock Piers Morgan in the boot of a Volvo in Victoria outside the National Express station and tape the keys to the back of a bus heading to Aberdeen * Look after Joe Biden's Zimmer frame * Ensure Diane Abbot doesn't write to the Observer about the event * Explain to TikTokkers that the tins of evaporated milk they have brought along to have autographed by members of the Royal Party are "Carnation" * Explain to people that the queue out...

Fair dues to my insurance provider for their call centre being open and answering the phone within three minutes. Although I do feel the workers deserve their bank holiday and I could have waited until tomorrow.   BUT.    Although over the phone, I don't believe the charming gent on the other end of the phone was aware he was waving a red flag at this grumpy old bull.   "Thank you for reaching out" - no Romesh, I phoned and you very kindly answered. My arms have been almost in the same position by my side during most of my endeavours to contact your company.   "I can feel your pain" - really Romesh? Have you had a bout of gout recently then too? No, nothing painful to feel really, I'm afraid dear chap; I was just not able to log into my account to renew my policy. Frustrating but not especially painful.   "My core competencies don't extend to PC problems I'm afraid" - no need to be afraid Romesh. Perhaps try one of your peripheral or even...