Being as I am technically "retired", I tend to now watch a little more on the idiot box than I used to. I do like a reasonable film, and yes, I do enjoy a quiz programme, if only to watch the number of contestants who are quite happy to appear on national television and declare that the Nile is the longest river in the UK and Belgium is the capital of France.
However, sometimes I do wonder about some of the greater questions related to cinematic and televisual authenticity. Here's a boring list:
1. Those appearing in "The Witcher" series and all those in pirate, Western and WW1 films all have such Turkishly-perfect teeth
2. The baddies in Horse Operas are always named "Cleetus" or "Festus"?
3. CIA/FBI ladies successfully chase the Russians for three miles on foot over Tundra or through Amazon jungle in very high heels
4. Aliens always have American accents
5. In a London car chase, they turn left out of Oxford Street straight onto Tower Bridge
6. When switched on, banks of fluorescent tube lights in a warehouse or along a corridor always make the same clunking "one by one" noise in every film
7. Despite being shot at by 12 machine-gun-toting Russians, Steven Segal never gets shot himself, managing to shoot all the perps without ever once reloading his handgun
7. Jason Statham has a seriously heavy altercation with 10 people who all manage to hit him at some stage or other, knock him on the head, and throw him against the walls and at furniture, yet he gets them all, surviving with just a small cut on his lip
8. Interplanetary astronauts take off from the mother ship and land perfectly on the planet below within 4 minutes
9. Drivers in strange countries neither consult sat nav nor stop for petrol as they drive miles around the countryside and city
10. They get a parking space directly outside and know their way around a building they have never been to or in before
11. They never go to the loo
12. In "Die Hard", "Fast and Furious" and "Expendable" type films, it takes the aeroplane 5 minutes/10 miles to take off from an airport runway while all manner of world war takes place around it
13. Computer hackers, with only 60 seconds to do it before the great nuclear meltdown, can type in pages and pages of error-free code
14. In disaster movies, a family of five in an old Volvo Estate always manage to outrun either the lava from a volcano, the dust from a sandstorm or the water from a Tsunami
15 Two people can carry a large box of gold for miles
Well, we’re used to hearing about the Camping Season , which for Scouts runs from approximately 31st March to 31st October each year, although Graham Norton’s camping season lasts all year. Then there’s the Caravan Season , where Jeremy Clarkson spends six months with extremely high blood pressure as he tries to overtake them on the A38 in an excruciatingly expensive and completely unnecessary car. The Japanese have their Scientific Season, which was a series of sporadic weeks where they slaughtered endangered whales for scientific research, the results of which seem to be a closely guarded world-secret. This season now looks set, thanks to a group of spineless, land-locked countries threatened by the Land of the Rising Scientific Research with paying more for their Nintendos and PlayStations, to last until the final whale is wiped off the face of the oceans. I have written to the Japanese Embassy four times now seeking details of this research (email address info@l...
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