Jail the toilet-roll marketing people!

 

Toilet-roll marketing is now totally out of control! So far out of control, in fact, it now needs government legislation! A secretary of state for toilet rolls is required. Hmmmm, maybe there IS a future for Jezza the Magic Grandpa, or even for the Laurel and Hardy-style pair, Burgon and Morris, in a Labour government. Apologies, Stan and Ollie - mention Burgon and Morris and I immediately think of your famous piano-delivery film, although I doubt the Labour pair in question could deliver a pizza, even if they lived in the actual pizza take-away.

In the days before Stacey Solomon announced that a dog is for life and not just for TikTok, a relatively small Labrador puppy could be seen merrily unravelling a toilet roll around the house. It would then roll it along the outside path so that all the Andrex marketing people had to do when finished filming was to scrunch up the unraveled bog roll and place it in the bottom of the hessian bag to make a comfy pup-bed before they tied it closed and threw it into the canal. (Any of you having visions of throwing Stacey Solomon into the canal instead should be ashamed of yourselves).

However, it’s all gone belly up now! These new double and treble size rolls allegedly save paper (I’m not the best at maths, but, in my opinion, one roll providing 400 sheets is not all that spectacularly  different to two rolls providing 200 sheets each - if you'd care to ask Diane Abbott to explain this is indeed not the case, I may concede then that I'm wrong).

Firstly, you now need a dog no smaller than a fully- grown St Bernard to push these humongous rolls around. And if you do indeed have a fully grown St Bernard, you might as well use it instead of toilet rolls.

Secondly, these oversized toilet rolls do not fit the average toilet roll holder! 

Thirdly, if you have one of those designer floor loo roll (I thought Loo Roll s was a singer!) things from John Lewis, while it looks great on the floor, it takes only one roll at the very top of it, and the moment you put one of your large size rolls on it, it falls over!

Now, to the bog rolls with no tubes in! These don’t work on any toilet roll holder whatsoever. Apart from onn one of those standard mini broomsticks nailed to a wooden base thing available from your local Poundshop. 

Because, with no tube in the middle of the bog roll, each time one of these rolls rotate on said holder, it mashes up the middle part of the roll that would otherwise be protected if there was a cardboard toilet roll holder in the centre. 

And should your bathroom be anyway damp, which can be a feature of most bathrooms, your toilet roll with no cardboard insert in doesn’t stand a chance!