My annual predictions for 2016.

Retail
DFS will buck the new year trend for sales by not having a sale at any time during 2016. Instead, they will just maintain their normal retail pricing structure of 50% off everything. Christmas 2016 decorations, selection boxes and mince pies will go on sale in all the supermarkets from January. The Friday of every week will be designated a special sale day by the marketing people - Grey Friday, Techno Friday, Lunatic Friday etc

Education
Christian Faith Schools in Birmingham will announce that their new school uniform dress code will consist of a nun's habit for both male and female students alike. The nun in question will be livid. The Nation Union of Students will announce that anyone with an IQ higher than 40 will not be allowed to join

Politics
Donald Trump invades the Isle of Man. Dublin builds a wall around the city to keep residents in. Michael Foot returns from the afterlife to lead the Labour Party and immediately helps it shoot up seven points in the polls. Nigel Farage goes an entire month without insulting anyone. In a surprise late entry for the Mayor of London election, last-minute candidate Benny the Highland Terrier is elected

Showbusiness
Kym Karcrashagain announces that she is expecting sextuplets. Their names have already been confirmed as South South, North by North, East South, Easy-by-East, West North and Nigel. The winner of X-Factor 2016 is announced two months before the competition begins. Qatar win the Eurovision Song Contest, now presided over by Sepp Blatter. The BBC will limit repeats to only 16 hours a day

Technology
The Apple iPhone 7 is released with a host of extra features. Men will be able to sign on using their penises, while women will be able to use their left breast. However, a new feature being introduced is that it will not be possible to use it to make phone calls. A new 18inch tablet will be introduced by Samsung called a laptop. Windows 16 is automatically installed on every computer in the world, something Linux users will be particularly upset about

Fashion
A new craze amongst the youth will be for correctly-fitting jeans without knee tears that are held up around the waist by a belt. Trouser crotches down at the knees will be solely for those who are incontinent or suffering from haemorrhoids. People with foot complaints will petition the Government for an end to what they see as mocking orthopaedic fashion shoes

Health
Researchers in Oxford University will announce a cure for stupidity in all but Jeremy Corbyn supporters. The NHS announce that anyone connected to either the Stasi, KGB or Scottish National Party will not be allowed to apply for a position as a doctors' practice receptionist

Sport
Football supporters will be paid to advertise insurance companies, energy providers and betting companies on their football tops according to their chest size. It is anticipated many new millionaires will be created amongst Glaswegian and Newcastle supporters. Andy Murray will write the joke of the year which will be performed by Tim Vine at the Edinburgh Festival

The "Win a Million" free scratch card newspaper inserts

One of those three-panel "Win a Million" scratchcards fell out of my newspaper this morning. Not a major or in anyway newsworthy event in itself, but I must admit my surprise. I didn't think anyone bothered with them anymore, or, to be a little more technical, I didn't think anyone was taken in by them anymore. Firstly, it actually is printed on the bottom of each panel that "Every card has a set of 3 matching symbols, 2 matching symbols and no matching symbols". Right, so you are going to 'win', half-win and not win respectively. Then, while the prize list is somewhat impressive with 1x£1m, 1x£100k, 2x£20k, 3x£10k and other things like holidays, tablet PC's city breaks all the way down to 1000 "faux" fashion watches, 1000 salon makeovers and 1000xVIP Thames cruises. Now should I be stupid enough to spend the £1.53 a minute for the 6 minute phone call to claim my prize (that's almost a tenner, for those of you without cal...

Chancellor's letter of apology to Bob Diamond of Barclays

Thanks to my contacts at the new News International business "Phonetaps'R'Us", I was exclusively sent a copy of a letter sent to the Chief Executive of Barclays Bank, Bob Diamond, from the Chancellor yesterday. "Dear Bob Trusting you and yours are well. Listen mate. Sorry the F inancially S tupid A sses wrote to your bank yesterday to demand £290million as a fine. It's nothing personal, and just because your bank head office people are a bunch of dishonest, thieving bastards, I thought there was no reason to carry on that way and fine you. I made this clear to the FSA yesterday as soon as I heard the news. I told them that the taxpayer would have been more than happy to bail you out. And also. Look mate. Sorry you've had to give up your bonus this year. It must have come as quite a shock, and was a wonderful thing for you to volunteer to do. I only hope you've put something by from the £17million you received last year. No doubt the bank pay...

"Q". My name is Bond. Oh. not THAT Q.

I was sent a story today by a friend who knows my feelings on the subject - that is, about one of the consummately greatest of all British activities, namely, queuing. It seems some Danish Professor or other has come up with the theory that those who queue the longest should actually be served the last. He claims it makes purchasing something altogether more efficient and smooth through the idea of 'contra-queuing' (whatever the devil that may mean). 'Serve the people at the back of the queue first', he says, with profound wisdom. Altogether very professorial, albeit demonstrating a somewhat keen lack of understanding of the purchasing psyche. The Nobel Prize-chasing Prof suggests that if, for example, a popular entertainment act was to announce a tour, with tickets going on sale at 11am one morning, using the theory of 'contra-queuing', no one will want to be first to buy said tickets. So no one will turn up 14 months in advance and venues will...

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