My annual predictions for 2016.

Retail
DFS will buck the new year trend for sales by not having a sale at any time during 2016. Instead, they will just maintain their normal retail pricing structure of 50% off everything. Christmas 2016 decorations, selection boxes and mince pies will go on sale in all the supermarkets from January. The Friday of every week will be designated a special sale day by the marketing people - Grey Friday, Techno Friday, Lunatic Friday etc

Education
Christian Faith Schools in Birmingham will announce that their new school uniform dress code will consist of a nun's habit for both male and female students alike. The nun in question will be livid. The Nation Union of Students will announce that anyone with an IQ higher than 40 will not be allowed to join

Politics
Donald Trump invades the Isle of Man. Dublin builds a wall around the city to keep residents in. Michael Foot returns from the afterlife to lead the Labour Party and immediately helps it shoot up seven points in the polls. Nigel Farage goes an entire month without insulting anyone. In a surprise late entry for the Mayor of London election, last-minute candidate Benny the Highland Terrier is elected

Showbusiness
Kym Karcrashagain announces that she is expecting sextuplets. Their names have already been confirmed as South South, North by North, East South, Easy-by-East, West North and Nigel. The winner of X-Factor 2016 is announced two months before the competition begins. Qatar win the Eurovision Song Contest, now presided over by Sepp Blatter. The BBC will limit repeats to only 16 hours a day

Technology
The Apple iPhone 7 is released with a host of extra features. Men will be able to sign on using their penises, while women will be able to use their left breast. However, a new feature being introduced is that it will not be possible to use it to make phone calls. A new 18inch tablet will be introduced by Samsung called a laptop. Windows 16 is automatically installed on every computer in the world, something Linux users will be particularly upset about

Fashion
A new craze amongst the youth will be for correctly-fitting jeans without knee tears that are held up around the waist by a belt. Trouser crotches down at the knees will be solely for those who are incontinent or suffering from haemorrhoids. People with foot complaints will petition the Government for an end to what they see as mocking orthopaedic fashion shoes

Health
Researchers in Oxford University will announce a cure for stupidity in all but Jeremy Corbyn supporters. The NHS announce that anyone connected to either the Stasi, KGB or Scottish National Party will not be allowed to apply for a position as a doctors' practice receptionist

Sport
Football supporters will be paid to advertise insurance companies, energy providers and betting companies on their football tops according to their chest size. It is anticipated many new millionaires will be created amongst Glaswegian and Newcastle supporters. Andy Murray will write the joke of the year which will be performed by Tim Vine at the Edinburgh Festival

A Season for all men

Well, we’re used to hearing about the Camping Season , which for Scouts runs from approximately 31st March to 31st October each year, although Graham Norton’s camping season lasts all year. Then there’s the Caravan Season , where Jeremy Clarkson spends six months with extremely high blood pressure as he tries to overtake them on the A38 in an excruciatingly expensive and completely unnecessary car. The Japanese have their Scientific Season, which was a series of sporadic weeks where they slaughtered endangered whales for scientific research, the results of which seem to be a closely guarded world-secret. This season now looks set, thanks to a group of spineless, land-locked countries threatened by the Land of the Rising Scientific Research with paying more for their Nintendos and PlayStations, to last until the final whale is wiped off the face of the oceans. I have written to the Japanese Embassy four times now seeking details of this research (email address info@l...

"Q". My name is Bond. Oh. not THAT Q.

I was sent a story today by a friend who knows my feelings on the subject - that is, about one of the consummately greatest of all British activities, namely, queuing. It seems some Danish Professor or other has come up with the theory that those who queue the longest should actually be served the last. He claims it makes purchasing something altogether more efficient and smooth through the idea of 'contra-queuing' (whatever the devil that may mean). 'Serve the people at the back of the queue first', he says, with profound wisdom. Altogether very professorial, albeit demonstrating a somewhat keen lack of understanding of the purchasing psyche. The Nobel Prize-chasing Prof suggests that if, for example, a popular entertainment act was to announce a tour, with tickets going on sale at 11am one morning, using the theory of 'contra-queuing', no one will want to be first to buy said tickets. So no one will turn up 14 months in advance and venues will...

"Pre-" . . . . . good grief!!!!!!!!!

I was looking through the Guardian this morning and noticed a position being advertised that I thought I'd take a closer look at. The first sentence, when clicking the link to apply was: "If you are registered, please log in and we will pre-fill this form for you." What is the current fixation with the prefix "pre" . It is everywhere, turning perfectly reasonable statements into total and utter gibberish! I would have thought that for one of our major quality newspapers, instead of "please log in and we will pre-fill this form for you" it would have been much more sensible to have something along the lines of "please log in and your details will be automatically filled in for you". It is the rip-off Britain merchants who have embraced this particular prefix with a vengeance. They have nonsensically slapped it in front of the word " order " so that the moment an overpriced games console, war game for that console, phone,...

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