Yes, it's that time of year.
advent of dark days where daylight is at a minimum, hordes of wonderful
HR people throughout the land are emerging, clipboards under their arms,
to "reach out" (i.e. irritate) staff in organisations nationwide. They
arrange staff meetings where they don't just take minutes, but take
hours. Proving that personnel is not a word, but a sentence.
it's annual review time. The time of year where acres of pointless
questions occupy reams of paper, all printed-off despite the twee "don't
print this unless you have to" messages. Reams of paper that are filed
in the HR office, never again to see the light of day, apart from any of
the ideas from staff that can be stolen, adapted and used by the HR
department claiming them as their own.
These annual reviews
are by and large totally farcical and completely irrelevant. There is no
proof that anyone actually takes any notice of them.
do you see yourself next year?" Why answering another one of these
useless annual reviews of course. That have taken you all year to print
off. That is exactly the same as last year. And the year before. Bet
you're glad I kept a copy of last year's so I can copy and paste it into
this year's. On second thoughts I didn't? Never mind, I'll send it by
email to my partner and they'll fill it in for me.
could the company be doing better?" Er, treating me and the other
employees that generate a fortune for the directors better. How about a
decent salary increase instead of the 26p an hour you offered last year
seeing as the Chief Executive is on £800,000 a year plus a chauffeured
car? Or perhaps stop with these pointless annual reviews.
have you performed against the set KPI's?" I haven't. They are
unfathomable crap, developed by someone who plainly has a personality
disorder and only gets out on day-release when there's a shortage of
staff at the sanatorium.
"How do you rate
the performance of your manager?" I don't. He gets paid 50% more than I
do, yet does half the work. Actually, to be fair, he occasionally does
the work of two men - Laurel and Hardy.
we live up to our expectations of being a customer-centric
organisation?" Yes. Of course. Up until their money is safely in the
company bank account. Then we completely ignore them, unless management
come up with a new wheeze to further part them from more of their money.
training have you planned to further your career?" I forgot my
anti-bacterial cream, so I'll have to pass on the ass-kissing for the