What is it with solutions? Reaching out. Pre-ordering. And all the other totally meaningless rubbish?

I had a wonderful English teacher at school. Mr Blackmore. Nicknamed Moses because he had a very bushy beard, but then pupils were assuming, without any proof, that the original Moses never shaved.

He was somewhat height-challenged, but in those days, dressed in his batman gown as teachers always did in the black and white days, he nevertheless commanded the respect that the threat of having the wooden blackboard duster thrown at you was always bound to command. And he also had a very unique attribute that he made Shakespeare enjoyable, giving us teenage schoolboys a laugh each time by accentuating his pronunciation of “Coriolanus”. I shall leave it to your imagination as to which bit he accentuated.

I remember he started one class with a statement that was to set me on my path to a life of cynicism. He suddenly announced that “Nothing acts faster than Anadin, so all you guys must, from now on, take nothing.”

I believe – and hope – that Ian Blackmore is now a healthy pensioner,  enjoying his retirement far away from those annoying people called school pupils.

Solutions. “A homogeneous mixture composed of only one phase". So, to quote Lord Sugar, a solution could really be a "one-trick pony". Or in more detail "A solution is a liquid mixture in which the minor component (the solute) is uniformly distributed within the major component (the solvent)"

So why are so many companies the providers of “solutions”?

Are they one-trick ponies? Does the use of the word "solutions" suddenly push their offering to something divine, out of this world, magical, superb, or even value-for-money?

A company in Leeds provides “total panel solutions”, whatever they are. I picked up on the internet a legal practice that was busy "Creating family law solutions for you". If you get in your car and drive, you are bound to see “furniture solutions”, “kitchen solutions”, “employment solutions”, “building and maintenance solutions”.

Since originally penning this, I have come across "ski solutions", "refuse solutions", "holiday solutions", "security solutions" - all unbelievably and witlessly uncreative. And only the other week, a leaflet from "Ultimate Shine Solutions" [you can of course guess the business sector from the name . . . . . .  yes, correct . . . . . driveway cleaning!] was 'helpfully' shoved under my car rear windscreen wiper. How one gets Ultimate Shine Solutions as a name for someone with a power washer cleaning paths - which I very much doubt would ever actually shine - is possible something only known by the director of Ultimate Shine Solutions who came up with that totally dreadful business name in the first place.

When researching my book on the evils of HR (Human Remains, the department for business destruction), I discovered that it appears organisations with the word "solution" in their title are on average not only 38% less efficient, but 27% less reliable than those who creatively think up their own original name that does not include the word "solutions"!

What is wrong with these people?

Yes, I appreciate they are not copywriters and that they are professionals in their own respective fields and more than likely very good at what they do. But why don't they take a little advice when devising a strapline?

Another one that winds me up is “new and improved”. Now even Lord Winston would I’m sure agree that it can’t be improved if it is new. It would have been like Lord Fellowes coming on TV before the very first Downton Abbey programme was transmitted and announcing it as new (ok, that bit’s correct) and “improved”. No, no, no. It could never have been improved if it was at the time new. 

Unless it's super. Everything is now super. People are no longer just excited, they are super-excited. They are not plain old nervous, they are super-nervous. 'Brilliant' white paint is no longer just brilliant white, but super-brilliant super white. Presumable all these people don't just lack imagination and linguistic ability, but they presumably now have a super lack of imagination and have a super linguistic inability.

And I'm absolutely delighted, nay ecstatic at all the wonderful people now "reaching out" to me. I can see a sea of arms, singing along to the Four Tops, all reaching out "I'll be there". Reaching out? In my dictionary it's nothing more than "getting in touch". So deal with it. If I need a lifebelt, or a length of rope, I'll ask you and you can reach out to me with it!

Pah! Pure Americanised assassination of the English language.

“Pre-order”. Wonderful statement. Everyone is using “pre”. Pre-owned (second-hand or used to you and me). Pre-drinks (that’s the art of getting drunk before you go binge drinking). “Pre-loved” (that means bugger all, but is beloved by the Arthur Daley car salesmen type).

I actually have several scientists working on “pre-order” at the moment. Early indications are that it’s proving as big a headache as the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter, in other words, pi to you and me. You know, 3.14159265359 ad infinitum.

Me, I thought you either ordered something or you didn’t and that it is actually physically impossible to pre-order. Or at least very stupid. In essence, ordering before you order. When all it is is simply lining the brands' pockets a few weeks earlier than you ordinarily need to. But then the sheepish must-have generation don't realise that. The iPhone 5S was one of the first products to be available to order before it was available to order back in September 2013 using the stupid "pre-order" nonsense, yet it is still being sold today. So what was all the rush and necessity of  'pre-ordering' it back in July/August 2013?

It's just like tattoos. Everyone wanting to express themselves by all being and doing exactly the same.

So I've come up with a few of my own "pre" nonsense for you to enjoy and cogitate over.

Wiping your runny nose is “pre-sneezing”. Opening the car door is “pre-driving”. Doing the weekly shop is “pre-cooking”. Waking up in the morning is “pre-working”. And breaking wind is having a “pre-shi….”

Oh. I’d better not elucidate on that one before the watershed.