Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
We have all, at some time, achieved greatness and magnificence through hindsight. We have obtained CBE's, OBE's and other wonderful accolades, been to afternoon tea with H M the Queen and even appeared on the BBC's One Show, all without the necessity of lowering ourselves to being a useless, snivelling, senior public-sector executive. All thanks mainly to hindsight.
Well not really. I just like having a go at the pathetic honour-chasers (we all know one of those in either local government or a local voluntary organisation don't we? You know the sort - does none of the work but grabs all of the glory).
Had I the Tardis, (you know, the Time and Relative Dimension in Space machine Dr Who drives around Time in - saves a fortune in parasite, er, I mean parking fees), I could return and correct some of the great errors of my ways - through hindsight.
Most I wont mention here, as being of the plain stupidity and male pride type, I don't want to appear to boast (i.e. totally embarrass myself).
However, there is one I wish I could borrow the Tardis for.
Last week saw the return to the BBC of "Would I lie to you". Quite an amusing programme by all accounts, but I simply couldn't face watching it.
Why? Because the panel of "guest contestants" was made up totally of the same old "celeb-rih-ees" we see either hosting their own programmes or guesting on other equally inane shows. Plainly the BBC now feels there are only 7 celeb-rih-ee guests in the world.
It would appear that "Have I Got News For You" is now the sole show on television capable of employing guests who aren't instantly recognisable.
Anyway. Vernon Kay. Lovely tall bloke. Very nice chap. Very tall. Treats members-of-the-public right, but is totally incomprehensible. And tall. A high chap in stature. Astoundingly has received an honorary doctorate from Bolton University for services to entertainment. Can only presume the academics couldn't understand a word he was saying, so in frustration, gave him the doctorate just to go away. Oh. And he's quite tall.
Fearne Cotton - to quote Rod Liddle of the Sunday Times "witters like an imbecile". I would add, "....at every opportunity". But I would never suggest that her good looks and being related to Sir Billy Cotton had anything to do with her employ at the BBC. Oh no.
Holly Willoughby - extremely lovely young lady, and unlike most of the useless eye candy on TV, speaks as beautifully as she looks. But sorry Hol - as beautiful as you are, you're a little bit inconsequential. Lights on and burning quite brightly at home, but not too sure the house is actually occupied! Or that there are even stairs to get to the first floor.
Stephen Mulhern - hosts, amongst other programmes, "Britain's Got Cowell Part 2" and Catchphrase, having decided that these shows are far less demanding on his intelligence than his membership of the Magic Circle. The "Britain's Got Cowell Part 2" is so moronic as to be a total insult.
And there are more. Devina McCall, Tess Daly, Jonathan Ross, Alan Carr.........on and on. Entertaining, but either irritating, on the TV far too much, or just absolutely useless.
And without being big-headed, I say I could do it myself. Be quite entertaining and useless at the same time. But thanks to hindsight, I missed by chance!
Yes, I was offered a job at BBC Radio Leeds over 20 years ago by the wonderful Liz Green, and refused it! After much guesting on programmes, training at the BBC control desk and more, I refused. Because the lure of the new job I had just started was £6k more than the BBC could tempt me with, and came with a company car!
While I knew it was a government spin-off, and seemed fairly safe, little did I know it would be staffed at senior level by clueless civil servants (I should add not all civil servants are clueless - it's just that found out rather later on that this lot were actually professionally useless - their former colleagues must have been delighted to see the back of them) who would all run back to where they came from when a change of government disbanded the national network of organisations, the local one for which I was working.
Yes. 20+ years later, I still regret saying to dear Liz when she phoned to offer me the job "Sorry Liz, I've just started a new job". Because my only big-headiness is to say "I could do just as well as these current numpties."