The Grumpy Old Blog

Thanks to my contacts at the new News International business "Phonetaps'R'Us", I was exclusively sent a copy of a letter sent to the Chief Executive of Barclays Bank, Bob Diamond, from the Chancellor yesterday. "Dear Bob Trusting you and yours are well. Listen mate. Sorry the F inancially S tupid A sses wrote to your bank yesterday to demand £290million as a fine. It's nothing personal, and just because your bank head office people are a bunch of dishonest, thieving bastards, I thought there was no reason to carry on that way and fine you. I made this clear to the FSA yesterday as soon as I heard the news. I told them that the taxpayer would have been more than happy to bail you out. And also. Look mate. Sorry you've had to give up your bonus this year. It must have come as quite a shock, and was a wonderful thing for you to volunteer to do. I only hope you've put something by from the £17million you received last year. No doubt the bank pay...

I wonder do people realise how lucky we are with our freedom? I mean, providing it's legal and honest, we can almost say what we like about anyone and anything - within the boundaries of decency of course. We can pillory our Deputy Prime Minister - in fact for some people it's their only hobby. The nationalists can remark that they don't want HM the Queen. We have positively distasteful people like Nick Griffin and his nasty nutters allowed the freedom to seek election and speak freely. We even allow useless and moronic reality television stars and Tamara Ecclestone a platform to become "slebrih-ees", where they contribute absolutely nothing to the fabric or wellbeing of society. I read that the wonderful Talibanimals in remote Afghan regions now inflict 70 lashes for beards not long enough, wearing a collar 15 lashes, smoking 30 lashes or the best of all, failure to keep trousers above the ankles, 20 lashes. I can't quite get my head around their barbar...

There can be no denying that UK lottery operators Camelot are on to a good thing. Especially the overpaid management. They have been reaping the benefits of the franchise for years now - a franchise that in essence, has been licenced by the government to print money. However, I can't quite make up my mind whether the management of the Lotto are dim, dysfunctional, liars or just plain greedy, although the cynic in me answers the question when I consider the chief Executive of Camelot was complaining last year that the annual bonus on her not inconsiderable 7-figure salary had been reduced (conveniently forgetting her 18 year sojourn to date at Camelot has produced a pension we mere mortals can only dream about. How about the poor soldiers, CEO Dianne Thompson, who come back from the far-east minus a leg and have to legally fight for compensation that doesn't even touch what you earn less than a month? And they don't receive CBE's for their troubles either !). Irres...

A LEAF (Linking Environment And Farming) survey has provided what is possibly the most depressing news of the year, aside from any imminent release of an album by Simon Cowell's "Little Fix (sic)" X-Factory (sic) winners. The headline is that 2% of 16-23 year-olds surveyed thought that butter comes from chickens, while a further 24% actually hadn't a clue. 10% didn't know that milk came from cows, while 15 thought it came from pigs. 23% were unaware that eggs come from chickens, while a further 12% think they come from wheat, maize or oats. Now, while all the respondents no doubt know that a Blackberry comes from the Carphone Warehouse, this crass ignorance defies belief, and is unbelievably embarrassing. One would think that in this day and age, regardless of one's level of education, the origins of milk and eggs would be universally known. It's not surprising though. Standards of English and comprehension continue to slip, while companie...

We give out about the government. We lampoon the Prime Minister. We lampoon the Chancellor. We openly express our opinions of the establishment on and off line. We have Private Eye. We even have Rod Liddle. Yet, it's a totally different story in other parts of the world. Manal al-Sharif, lives in the wonderful 'democracy' that is Saudi Arabia. Where women are right up there in the pecking order. After men, camels, goats, iPhones and shopping malls. This brave lady had the temerity to defy the draconian rules of that country that forbids females to drive. Now, while the disabled spaces at Saudi branches of Sainsbury's may consequently be free of 4x4 Riyadh tractors as a result, all parking spaces are the strict preserve of Saudi males. Who dress in House of Fraser bed linen and wear pound shop tea-towels on their heads. Manal has been forced to cancel a trip to the United States to receive an award for her activism because, wait for it, of multiple death threat...

I appreciate it is nearly always done by "autobots", or whatever the internet nuisances name their little pieces of software, but I notice that the moment you connect to Skype, the social networks, the infuriating MSN Messenger or even the odd five minutes you might while away on one of the free amusement (such as poker) sites, you're hounded by people. These people are total strangers who want you "to connect with them", "be their poker pal", "have a conversation" or something similar. Total strangers who hound you the second you log on. Now I know without even accepting these unsolicited spam calls, that were you to agree, you'd be more than likely immediately directed to a Canadian Viagra site, some PPI ambulance-chasing 'para-site' or to one of the less salubrious teenage ninja porn sites. And that, of course, answers the main question as to "What's in it for them?". However, it doesn't quite answer the...

ShortList magazine is very much like the average X-Factor finalist. Fashionable, lacking in style and absolutely no substance. I'm not saying that it's not a pleasant read, but like most media, you pick your favourite bits. It takes me somewhere in the region of ten minutes (absolute maximum). That's why I tend to stuff it in my bag for a later read in the domestic library, you know, the one with the loo-roll holder. Now what really never ceases to amaze me are the advertisements and product plugs within it. I do find it rather amusing that a magazine that is given away for free (more about that in a moment) plugs headphones at £1,750 a pop, hiking boots at £212, a men's shaver at £220, a bomber jacket at £1,350, a diver's watch at £1,232 and a Denim shirt at £430. So, as I said, the magazine is given away for free. In several large cities. Although Hull, as tenth largest city in the UK, doesn't know what a ShortList magazine (or a Metro newspaper) is, nev...

A few stories seemed to have grabbed some media headline attention in connection with the Olympics. The first is that some people are getting quite lathered about having to pay £7 a pint for beer during the Olympics. Well, a simple, three-word piece of advice is, don't buy any . Just let the vendors from  rip-off Britain plc not sell any, and let them stew in their over-expensive liquid for many weeks after the event. Then maybe they'll think twice using their brains instead of their corporate bank accounts  for a change. You, the consumer, have only yourselves to blame if you pay that sort of money. Just, for a change (which you'll not get much out of a tenner for a pint of beer), vote with your feet. Although if you do vote with your feet, make sure the logos on your nasty trainers made by some poor, half-blind child in the Far East for $2, you know, the ones you bought at £80 last week, is the correct one. Locog ankle cameras have been installed at all the Olympic ...

I never cease to be amazed. I occasionally peruse (that's "look through" to you, madam) the freelance work job sites, the ones where you can identify a job you think could fill a few spare hours and a few spare holes in what the banks have left behind of your finance. Several have sprung up over the years, but they all share one thing in common. Those looking for professional writers seems to be totally clueless in terms of offering a reasonable budget for the job. I can understand a company in the far east expecting a professional/qualified writer for 80p an hour, because they can otherwise, worst case scenario, find someone locally at 40p an hour who's (sic) English is'nt (sic) quite up to scratch. However, the number of local, UK businesses and other enterprises, who post jobs for writers at rates  under the minimum wage (and on top of that, a further commission from that below-minimum-wage rate usually has to be paid to the hosting site if you accept...