The Grumpy Old Blog

One of the most useless travel ‘must haves’ has to be the faux business class offered on short-haul flights, rail travel etc, although it has to be said that some long-haul flight share some of the irony treating travel as something it plainly isn’t. Fake boarding the plane. They call out business-class, or in the case of the budget airlines, idiot-class, to board first, followed by women with young perambulated offspring. What this means is, instead of reading a little longer in the comfort of the airport lounge and its slatted, haemorrhoid-inducing seating, you are rushed on to the plane ahead of the other passengers. Now I appreciate the purchased-teeth, four-wheel-drive, electric gate brigade from, say Cheshire, love strutting their stuff in airport lounges, safe in the knowledge that the remaining cattle class passengers are fully aware they have paid for the privilege of being referred to as business class and are called to board the plane before anyone else. ...

I took to the dark web yesterday, not to obtain illicit drugs, fake Euro notes or to purchase live ammunition. No, rather than mess around with a proxy server and have to log out of my LinkedIn connection that is on auto-connect with my current browser (i.e. then have to look up what the password is again when I want to log back in), I simply used the dark web browser to anonymously look at the profiles of some of the people asking me to be their connections on this here LinkedIn. The reason for this carry-on was because when you do look at someone's profile on LinkedIn, it registers with that particular someone that you have looked at. And some of these 'someones' not only look a bit shady, but I can't find even the slightest connection between me and them that would be to my - or their, unless their ultimate aim is to try and extract money out of me - benefit. One request in this week was from a 19-year-old girl studying German at the University of Lagos, an ins...

I was sent a story today by a friend who knows my feelings on the subject - that is, about one of the consummately greatest of all British activities, namely, queuing. It seems some Danish Professor or other has come up with the theory that those who queue the longest should actually be served the last. He claims it makes purchasing something altogether more efficient and smooth through the idea of 'contra-queuing' (whatever the devil that may mean). 'Serve the people at the back of the queue first', he says, with profound wisdom. Altogether very professorial, albeit demonstrating a somewhat keen lack of understanding of the purchasing psyche. The Nobel Prize-chasing Prof suggests that if, for example, a popular entertainment act was to announce a tour, with tickets going on sale at 11am one morning, using the theory of 'contra-queuing', no one will want to be first to buy said tickets. So no one will turn up 14 months in advance and venues will...

I went to Ikea (pronounced Ick-yar by the Sarf Manchester bleached/purchased teeth community in their efforts to try and keep up with the new advertisement pronunciation). My son required a wardrobe, although why he can't sleep in a bed like other computer science students is beyond me. I also wanted a sofa to match my eyes, but Ick-yar don't do bloodshot. A N Y W A Y . . . Saturday is NOT the best day to head to Ick-yar Ashton-under-Lyne, not that any day is necessarily the best day to head to Ashton-under-Lyne. By the way; to those of you living in a country that doesn't have an Ashton-under-Lyne (a conurbation within Greater Manchester in the north of England), believe me, you are not missing anything. Absolute mayhem, with fighting, cursing  and blood-letting over trolleys, and that was just the staff. Now. Some questions for the more regular (must be the fibre)  Ick-yar visitors. 1. Why do people who are buying large items of furniture reverse into parking...

The up and coming budget, which I know has you all riveted with excitement (rumour has it rivets will be subject to a RAT [Riveting Added Tax] of 23% seeing as they are running out of things to tax), is actually the first Conservative budget for almost 19 years. Here are some other spoilers: ITVbe will be subject to a BTT (Bad Taste Tax) of 14%, or if the Kardashians are featured in any programmes, the tax will be increased to 19% A new rate of 0% corporation tax is being introduced for the first time for Amazon, Apple, ebay, Boots, PayPal, Uber, One Direction and er . . . . oh sorry, silly me . . . . they already don't pay any corporation tax in the UK Trees fall into the income tax net for the first time, along with daffodils and small yappy dogs such as Jack Russells To ease the strain on the NHS, Euthanasia, which is being made compulsory for the over 90's and all residents of Birkenhead, will be subject to a tax of 40% Inheritance Tax is being ab...

A letter to Qantas: Dear Qantas I read recently that Qantas is to stop offering meals with pork content on certain Middle Eastern routes for fear of insulting those passengers of Islamic origins, a very noble gesture indeed. However, I feel there are certain other ethnic passenger groups that you now need to consider for the avoidance of insult, although why Qantas has not considered these before now, or at least at the same time as the concern for Islamic passengers, is altogether rather puzzling. Sikh and Hindu passengers - beef foods and foods containing derivatives of beef Jewish passengers - will no doubt welcome the banning of pork foods, but are also concerned about the serving of seafood, fish lacking fins and scales, and the concurrent serving of milk and meat foods during any one meal Vegetarians - any meat or fish foods or those contains derivatives of meat or fish Coeliacs - serving of foods containing wheat Vegans - serving of any meat, fish or dairy foods Reforme...

Well, the Cambodians are lovely and hospitable. The Thai people are lovely and hospitable.  The British, Australian, New Zealand, Russian and American tourists are by and large well-behaved, although to be brutally honest, the Americans can be a little loud both of voice and check trousers.  And the Chinese. Yes, the Chinese.  What can be said about the Chinese that won’t have Chairman Mao turning in his ashes’ pot? They are noisy, rude, inconsiderate, thoughtless, and, if China was to get nuked, all that would remain would be hordes of Chinese people glued to their mobile phones.  They mobile at breakfast. They mobile on the plane during take-off and landing. They mobile while eating, shopping, crapping and probably even in their sleep. They mobile while walking busy streets, an oriental equivalent of the living dead. They mobile on tours, on excursions, when having things explained and while the tour guide is trying to get them back on the b...