2015 BUDGET NEWS

The up and coming budget, which I know has you all riveted with excitement (rumour has it rivets will be subject to a RAT [Riveting Added Tax] of 23% seeing as they are running out of things to tax), is actually the first Conservative budget for almost 19 years.
Here are some other spoilers:

• ITVbe will be subject to a BTT (Bad Taste Tax) of 14%, or if the Kardashians are featured in any programmes, the tax will be increased to 19%
• A new rate of 0% corporation tax is being introduced for the first time for Amazon, Apple, ebay, Boots, PayPal, Uber, One Direction and er . . . . oh sorry, silly me . . . . they already don't pay any corporation tax in the UK
• Trees fall into the income tax net for the first time, along with daffodils and small yappy dogs such as Jack Russells
• To ease the strain on the NHS, Euthanasia, which is being made compulsory for the over 90's and all residents of Birkenhead, will be subject to a tax of 40%
• Inheritance Tax is being abolished. Instead, when you pass over to the other side/meet your 72 Virgins/get scattered at sea, any remaining money in your bank account automatically passes to the Treasury
• All the wholesale shops near Strangeways in Manchester will be subject to an FAT (Fakers Added Tax) of 35%. It is anticipated this could raise over £17billion annually, enough for the Government to waste even more money on PFI deals, consultants and White Dee from Benefits' Street.
• Student Loans are being taxed at 14%, which means the Treasury will see a return on investment of at least £3 by 2035
• The rate of forecourt VAT, duty and miscellaneous sales tax is being increased by 12%, which means that for every £1 you spend on fuel for your car, the Treasury will get £1.07
• It is anticipated the introduction of the new FFT (Fast Food Tax) and DFFT (Deep Fried Food Tax) will adversely affect the living standards of people in Glasgow