VEGANS

I have zero problems with vegetarians who simply do not wish to chew on Daisy the cow, Larry the lamb, or for North Koreans, Chinese, and potentially the French who will eat absolutely anything covered in garlic, Spot the dog.

I have similarly zero problems with vegans who may have medical dietary requirements that require it.

I do have a big problem with vegans who are "super-happy, basically, obviously, literally and awesome" and who do it for the sake of telling everyone how "super-happy, basically, obviously, literally and awesome" their diet "journey" (pass the sick bag) of organic wallpaper, synthetic water and wooden (organic of course) coathanger steaks is.

One of my neighbours, named Noelle is one such highly-irritating vegan, where "super-happy, basically, obviously, literally and awesome" are the only English words she appears to be able to speak. Oh, to be fair, that's is, along with six other words and an acronym "Love, Island, Ant, Dec, TikTok, DWP benefits".

And before you ask, Noelle's (who likes to be called Nolly - I haven't the heart to tell her about Noilly (pronounces Nolly") Prat the original French vermouth) birthday IS one where, as a result of her birthdate, means that over the years, she was given just one present from people to cover both the celebrations for her and those for Mary and Joseph's arrival. 

 

Although some locals have suggested, rather unkindly, that Noelle's arrival was also the result of an immaculate conception, or rather, deception.

Thankfully I do not see Nolly that often. She is constantly so unwell, gaunt, sheet white and like death warmed-up from her altogether badly-executed vegan diet, that she is always either at the hospital or attending some clinic somewhere.

She has been advised to "start eating properly", something most vegan's actually achieve unassisted quite well. However, her team of specialists (she thanks all you taxpayers for them by the way) fail to recognise that for BL postcodes, pies, chips with curry sauce, KFC, McDonalds and meat pies are in people's DNA.

Things like salad, fresh fruit and veg are considered offensive weapons. The Pound Bakery (very ironically located on "Thynne" Street in a Bolton suburb called "Moses' Gate") is considered an upmarket delicatessen, and Instagram an educational internet channel. The term "5-a-day" generally refers to the number of items they secure, but accidentally forget to pay for daily, from various surrounding shops.