Skip to main content

Election 2015 off the starting blocks

So Big Dave has been to see Her Majesty to dissolve the government. On the suggestion of Anjem Choudary, he used Nitric Acid rather than the usual Astonish products from his local pound shop, although the Duke of Edinburgh did object to him racing up and down the corridors of Buck House on a Domino Pizza motorbike.

All the politicians have wheeled out their headache pills - "I believe" (geddit?) - and there are reports that the sales of Johnson wipes have increased dramatically as canvassers head off to kiss dribbling babies and have toddlers throwing up all over their suits.

The public will soon be deluged by politicians charging around in their battle busses (National Express 561 to London) knocking on doors shouting, "I don't know who you are or what you do, and I don't really care. Just give me your vote."

Labour will say the Conservatives shouldn't blame UKip for the LibDems being so appalling to the SNP who shouted at the Greens for giving out to Plaid Cymru who gave two fingers to the DUP for swearing at the SDLP. Or vice versa.

Jeremy Vine will be polishing his Hush Puppies, while Jeremy Paxman will be polishing his chin. There will be loads of polls from ComRes and YouGov, as well as plenty of polls of polls. There will be "dwindling fortunes", "changing fortunes", "swinging fortunes" and "expense claim fortunes"; Jon Snow, as usual, won't have a clue what's going on and Russell Brand will be as repulsive as ever.

The big question is; will Bez "Happy Mondays" take Salford for the Reality Party and Al "Pub Landlord" Murray take South Thanet from the Conservatives for his Free United Kingdom Party out from right under Nigel Farage's nose?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Airport amusement

There is no doubt that airports can be quite amusing places. That is apart from being told by a burly security supervisor at the x-ray gate that thanks to the only contribution Yasser Arafat ever made to society, I had to remove my belt, shoes, watch and place my AK-47 in the tray provided. Watching people going around their travel ‘business’ in airports and on board the aircraft is hilarious. There are those who are plainly not very good at it, continually checking all manner of minutiae with the other members of the party. “Do we go to the gate?”, “Have we time for a beer?”, “I MUST get a pizza”. There are those who have plainly not done it much before and like their fellow travellers to be made fully aware of the exact opposite, as they point and gesture to the monitor shouting out their destination and boarding gate at every passing opportunity to one and all around them. There are those who think they are something special – despite the fact they are travelling via bu...

Are Camelot dim, dysfunctional, liars or just plain greedy?

There can be no denying that UK lottery operators Camelot are on to a good thing. Especially the overpaid management. They have been reaping the benefits of the franchise for years now - a franchise that in essence, has been licenced by the government to print money. However, I can't quite make up my mind whether the management of the Lotto are dim, dysfunctional, liars or just plain greedy, although the cynic in me answers the question when I consider the chief Executive of Camelot was complaining last year that the annual bonus on her not inconsiderable 7-figure salary had been reduced (conveniently forgetting her 18 year sojourn to date at Camelot has produced a pension we mere mortals can only dream about. How about the poor soldiers, CEO Dianne Thompson, who come back from the far-east minus a leg and have to legally fight for compensation that doesn't even touch what you earn less than a month? And they don't receive CBE's for their troubles either !). Irres...

Why your kids never reply to your mobile communications

A frequent topic of conversation among my own peer group of retired and semi-retired wrinklies is regarding Millennials (born 1981 to 2000) and early Generation Z (2001 to 2020) and their ability to be glued to their mobiles 24/7, yet never replying in a timely manner to a communication from their older kith and kin. They don't reply, yet will gladly get it touch immediately with their own peers to ask, "Do you follow Chardonnay Moron on 'Insta' - she's soooo cool". Yes, cool, but otherwise clueless, and usually an inept, Beluga-lipped, tattooed moron who prefers to spout total crap on 'soshul meeja' on topics they in reality know absolutely nothing, using this as a job, instead of actually working gainfully for a living. " Like, follow and share " are the only three words these wastes of space know. Yet they are the new Messiahs of the Millennials and Gen Z, and woe betide any Millennials or Gen Z who might miss one single word - spelt wron...