Monday, 30 March 2015

Election 2015 off the starting blocks

So Big Dave has been to see Her Majesty to dissolve the government. On the suggestion of Anjem Choudary, he used Nitric Acid rather than the usual Astonish products from his local pound shop, although the Duke of Edinburgh did object to him racing up and down the corridors of Buck House on a Domino Pizza motorbike.

All the politicians have wheeled out their headache pills - "I believe" (geddit?) - and there are reports that the sales of Johnson wipes have increased dramatically as canvassers head off to kiss dribbling babies and have toddlers throwing up all over their suits.

The public will soon be deluged by politicians charging around in their battle busses (National Express 561 to London) knocking on doors shouting, "I don't know who you are or what you do, and I don't really care. Just give me your vote."

Labour will say the Conservatives shouldn't blame UKip for the LibDems being so appalling to the SNP who shouted at the Greens for giving out to Plaid Cymru who gave two fingers to the DUP for swearing at the SDLP. Or vice versa.

Jeremy Vine will be polishing his Hush Puppies, while Jeremy Paxman will be polishing his chin. There will be loads of polls from ComRes and YouGov, as well as plenty of polls of polls. There will be "dwindling fortunes", "changing fortunes", "swinging fortunes" and "expense claim fortunes"; Jon Snow, as usual, won't have a clue what's going on and Russell Brand will be as repulsive as ever.

The big question is; will Bez "Happy Mondays" take Salford for the Reality Party and Al "Pub Landlord" Murray take South Thanet from the Conservatives for his Free United Kingdom Party out from right under Nigel Farage's nose?

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