The Grumpy Old Blog

Delighted to see that Tehran is now coming back into the 19th century with the offer of a trench of new courses to enlighten the ignorant. BSc in shoe throwing This three-year course guides the student as to how best get value for money from their shoe-throwing activities. There is advice on the best type of shoes suitable for throwing at politicians, infidels and women, where to source the cheapest shoes, and a list of prosthetic shops in Iran selling single remainder shoes. MA in flag burning This popular course explains what a flag is and what country it is from, where to obtain national flags of the world and relevant locations to burn them in. BA in homicide belts This course teaches student where to obtain the best quality explosive belts, how to detonate them and how to provide for the family members they leave behind. However, students are advised that following the practical course work, only 1 in 10 of them will survive, and that comprehensive insurance ...

Well, we’re used to hearing about the Camping Season , which for Scouts runs from approximately 31st March to 31st October each year, although Graham Norton’s camping season lasts all year. Then there’s the Caravan Season , where Jeremy Clarkson spends six months with extremely high blood pressure as he tries to overtake them on the A38 in an excruciatingly expensive and completely unnecessary car. The Japanese have their Scientific Season, which was a series of sporadic weeks where they slaughtered endangered whales for scientific research, the results of which seem to be a closely guarded world-secret. This season now looks set, thanks to a group of spineless, land-locked countries threatened by the Land of the Rising Scientific Research with paying more for their Nintendos and PlayStations, to last until the final whale is wiped off the face of the oceans. I have written to the Japanese Embassy four times now seeking details of this research (email address info@l...

Launching their election manifesto (which the rather nasty and quite bigoted Green party insist on calling a person-ifesto) Mr Nigel Ferago of UKIP claimed to now be “firing on all cylinders”, unlike local councils that are just firing. Election manifestos are now also on the way from the Monster Raving Looney Party (half a side of A5), the Monty Python Silly Party (written on the back of a fag packet) and Islamic State (written on pieces of human skin, formerly one continuous piece belonging to suicide bomb lecturer Ahmed Shortbrain of Dewsbury). The Dyslexic Party are due to lunch their mafinesto laret this atefrnoon. In an interview with a chap called Evan Davies – who Mr Ferago says he doesn't really want to speak to if he can avoid it because he thinks he might just be an illegal Welsh immigrant on account of his name – he claims that the best way to stop the country’s productive peurility and manufacturing malaise is to ban all imports from everywhere. Mr  Fe...