Predictions for 2013

January

Three days into the year and all your New Year resolutions are broken already.

After all the celebratory food and drink, secretly you are happy that it's International Coffee Gourmet Month, although the thought of all those TV celebrity chefs makes you want to go back to bed.Or at the very least, feel rather sick.

Partners buy their spouses some wonderful clothes in the winter sales which they spend all evening putting on e-bay.

Easter Eggs are in the shops.

The twist-off bottle cap was invented on the last day in January 1956. You celebrate by spraining your wrist trying to open one.

Google, Amazon, Apple and Starbucks to pay tax. Oh! No they don’t.

The Christmas Turkey leftovers are finally finished.

February

You must remember to send Alice Cooper a birthday card on the 4th February.

Surely something should be growing in that patch where you planted bulbs last October.

Easter Eggs are still in the shops.

You spend the entire last week of the month worrying about changing the date of your watch 4 days forward at the end of the month.

Google, Amazon, Apple and Starbucks to pay tax. Oh! No they won’t.

It's the end of the month, there's less than 300 days to Christmas, an allegedly religious holiday. 

March

You wonder if the simile "As mad as a March Hare" was invented to describe your boss.

You have to start thinking seriously about cleaning the lawn mower.

And much to your distress, you've been reliably informed that Shrove Tuesday is not just about pigging out on pancakes.

You wonder why the British branch of the Procrastination Society have put off holding a Procrastination Week in the UK similar to the one held during the second week of March in the USA - only after they spent 17 years deciding where and when to hold it.

Easter Eggs are still in the shops.

Google, Amazon, Apple and Starbucks to pay tax. Oh! No. Sorry. Got that wrong again.

April

As an April Fools’ joke, the Daily Star carries news on its front page.

Nigella Lawson invents a At the end of the month, there's less than 300 days to Christmas. At the end of the month, there's less than 300 days to Christmas. At the end of the month, there's less than 300 days to Christmas. At the end of the month, there's less than 300 days to Christmas. recipe for origami toast – tastes like cardboard.

The Easter Bank Holiday arrives and not an Easter Egg in the house.

You can tell it's the perfect Spring weekend - the sun is shining, the birds are singing, there's a light breeze and the lawn mower you cleaned last month is broken.

Easter Eggs are still in the shops, buy one, get one free.

Google, Amazon, Apple and Starbucks to pay tax. Sorry, wrong again.

May

The Mayflys have arrived, but rumour has it their debut album is absolutely terrible.

The Chelsea Flower Show is relocated to an allotment outside Aberdeen.

Easter Eggs are still in the shops, buy one, get three free.

Stelios Haji-Ioannou makes his debut in the farming industry with orange-coloured "easymanure".

Ordinance Survey announce the UK's cheapest GPS solution - a printed 1:4 map of Great Britain costing £2.95

Still no tax from Google, Amazon, Apple and Starbucks.

June

On 24 June in 1947 the first documented UFO was sighted in the USA. The first live alien (at least you think that's what it was) you have ever seen was brought home by your daughter from college last night disguised as her new boyfriend.

For the first time, attendees at the Glastonbury Festival suffer from heatstroke.

The surprise 'must-have' accessory of the year is a mobile phone that only allows you to make and receive calls.

Even though schools have not broken up yet, "Back-to-School" advertisements are rife.

HRH The Duke of Edinburgh says something vaguely neutral about foreigners, although Keith Vaz, Shami Chakrabarti, Chuka Umunna and the Chinese Ambassador still take umbrage at being seated at the same table as him.

No. No tax yet.

July

You can tell Summer is here - it's not stopped raining since last Tuesday.

This is the traditional time of year for teachers to help their pupils gain a better understanding of Trivial Pursuits. It's official name is Impending Summer Break week.

A new reality TV show about TV reality shows is the summer's biggest hit.

Stelios Haji-Ioannou is appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer and announces his new three-tier tax system, "easyvat", "easyduty" and "easyincometax".

DFS hold a genuine sofa sale.

Not a penny in tax from any of the big 4 avoiders yet. But there’s hope.

August

Package holidays are, for some reason, extremely bad value for money this month.

Useful, mandatory, necessary and required domestic products in the supermarkets make way for Christmas cards and wrapping paper.

Yet another new yet previously unknown leader of the LibDem Party is announced.

A gourmet restaurant is discovered in Blackpool.

You speak to somebody English, based in an English call centre, in England.

Yet another initiative to prise money from the motorist is announced when parking meters are unveiled on the M25.

Nil tax. Still.

September

Leaves on the tracks cause rail timetable problems, despite the fact Autumnal fall doesn't occur until the middle of next month.

Christmas is in full swing in all the shops.

It’s not that there’s any way a recession, but the only job your graduate scientist daughter (£33,000 in student debt) can get is for London Underground minding the gap.

HR is proscribed by the Government and many recruitment agencies go on the rampage placing fake recruitment advertisements everywhere. As they have done for 25 years.

The dreadful Christmas compilation CD advertisements commence on TV.

The Archbishop of Canterbury throws in the towel and admits the bible was written by a mediaeval ancestor of Stephen King.

It's annual water-shortage month caused by the wrong rainfall over twelve days in July.

No Tax. No.

October

It's firework night, for 31 successive evenings during October.

There may be over 12 weeks to go, but the great Christmas light turn-on is happening nationwide.

iPhone 5 users, for their loyalty, are offered a completely free upgrade to the iPhone 6 by Apple.

You become upset when a youngster offers your son a penny for you when you're out walking with him on Halloween.

The shops are still full of Easter Eggs. And now Valentine cards.

Ozzy Osborne is elected Home Secretary.

Ah! Good news. Er, no. Sorry. Google, Amazon, Apple and Starbucks still no tax.

November

5th November and many people go to bed praying Guy Fawkes does a proper job this year.

You try to explain to your 5 year-old son why there are so many Santas around with 7 weeks still to go to Christmas.

The expected cold snap in the middle of the month is 15 degrees and all your spring flowers start to grow.

A hidden cache of Easter Eggs has been discovered in a supermarket.

After seven million premium-rate voting phone calls are made, some completely talentless oik wins X-Factor on the basis of Louis saying he’s a one million percent original natural recording star.

Simon Cowell is declared a national monument. Someone poured cement over him while he slept.

Yep, you’ve guessed. Google, Amazon, Apple and Starbucks to pay tax. Well not really.

December

The Season of Good Cheer and Merriment is around the corner. As it has been in the supermarkets for the past five months.

Britain celebrates its 20,000th speed camera. On the A1.

You are glad you have ignored the Met Office's hurricane warning as you take your dog for a walk in three feet of snow.

You are fed up with turkey and cranberry by about the 2nd.

Sorry. Still taxless.