New digital currency to be launched

I am starting a new digital financial initiative, which I invite you all to be in on the ground floor for, unless you are up on the 4th floor when you read this, where I ask that you take the lift/elevator* down so that you too can be in on the ground floor.

(*note the patronising use of the word "elevator" for our American brethren who may otherwise think a lift is something you accept from a passing motorist. Or, er, is that a ride? Which I will be pleased to take you on should you subscribe to this initiative).

This new initiative is called Craptocurrency, and is based on Toiletchain technology. Should you join, each time you flush your toilet, I will make sh*t-loads of money, while at the same time, promising that you too will also make sh*t-loads of money, even though you won't. Be advised though, that, when the internet thieves and cons move in, as they are bound to, they will attempt to offer you flushing urinals and bidets - these will not work with the new Toiletchain technology. However, like existing digital currencies and computers, you will similarly have to leave your toilet flushing overnight when otherwise not being used.

In tandem with Craptocurrency, images will also be available called NST's, or Non Spongeable Tokens (WARNING - they will disintegrate if you attempt to wipe them clean with a sponge). Using your Craptocurrency, you will be able to purchase these highly desirable and totally infantile pieces of art (they will all be drawn by world-famous celebrities such as the one with the big lips on Love Island, whatever his name is, the irritating Irish woman with the large mouth who advertises Fairy biopods, and the woman from the Omaze/Vodafone advertisement who speaks like she is having her leg amputated without anesthetic while doing her voiceover).

This means you can then boast on social media that you have purchased something that is completely worthless, er, sorry, I mean highly desirable and valuable, yet will otherwise generate extremely large bank account balances, holidays homes abroad, cars and Gibson guitars with 9ct gold pickups for us all, er, I mean, for me.

Naturally enough, like other digital currencies, you will not have a clue how it works, what use it is for, why anyone should come up with it in the first place, why some people seem to be constantly wetting themselves with delight over it, and some form of timetable for when it all hopefully goes away and leaves us all in peace.

The diagram above should help flush out any concerns you may have.