Yet MORE reaching out

Had a cold-caller (despite it being 26 degrees today) on the phone trying to convert my electricity (it's currently Church of England). It wasn't so much the cold call as the continual assault with boardroom-bull clichés, not to forget a very over-liberal smattering of "obviously", "basically", and my favourite of all time "reach out". He suggested bi-lateral "reaching out" at least seven times during the conversation, which means I could end up having to head to the pharmacy to grab some Voltarol to ease the aches and pains caused by all the reaching out.

He gave me his email address so I can "reach out" at any time (I do wonder should RNLI volunteers have to head off into a Force 9 gale to rescue some smart-ar*e who thinks he's safe on the polystyrene insert from his Billy bookcase, whether the RNLI email or reach out?). I have sent him this as some weekend reading:

 

• Advance preview; when was the last time you went to a preview that wasn’t in advance

• Present time – er, time is time, so the present is just the present. Or as we cynics refer to it, "now"

• In close proximity – methinks you are plainly unsure as to the meaning of the word “proximity”. Try "near". That's a great word.

• Unexpected surprise – if you expected it, then it wouldn’t be a surprise

• Completely unanimous decision – so can a unanimous decision be partially unanimous then, and if so, is it rejected as a result?
• Help with my journey - unless it involves transport, stop being so bl**dy silly

• The end result is – not too sure I’ve ever had a result at the beginning, so “end” by itself will do

• Final outcome – outcomes do tend as a rule to be final, because if they came along any sooner, that could save you a shed-load of time

• Major breakthrough – a breakthrough is great news on its own, regardless of whether it’s major, new or anything other type of breakthrough

• Pre-order - nope, I just "order", as "ordering before you order" (i.e. pre-ordering) is just nonsensical Americanised marketing bull invented purely to part people with their hard-earned cash weeks, if not months before they really need to. And even then, it's often for a product that goes into immediate over-supply and is then discounted.

• Free gift – personally, I have yet to pay for a gift

• Obviously - if it's so obvious, why are you wasting my time talking to me about it

• Collaborate together – you just try collaborating on your own. It never really turns out well, especially when you start arguing with yourself

• A great solution - a solution is a solid dissolved in a liquid. Tea with milk, gin and tonic or antifreeze are great solutions

• Quite unique – oh, so you often have or do things that are only 'somewhat unique'. Oh, you unoriginal copy-cat!

• Reach out - are you sure you want me to email, or are you expecting me to rescue a swimmer out of the sea