Skip to main content

UK General Election - exit poll

I have just completed my own exit poll for the General Election , an exit poll based on canvassers entering and exiting my front gate. Results are as follows:

CONSERVATIVES - gingerly opens the gate, closes it behind them, gingerly pushes the leaflet through the letterbox ensuring it goes all the way in, gingerly opens the gate once more, exits the garden path and then gingerly closes the gate behind them

LABOUR - opens the gate, steams in, noisily forces three identical leaflets through the letterbox leaving one sticking out, then steams out leaving the gate flapping

LIBDEMS - can't actually open the gate so gives up after 18 minutes of trying


UKIP - from the public pathway, throw leaflet after leaflet, for a random selection of prospective candidates over the gate at the letterbox, hoping that one might magically make its way through the letterbox. Gives up after 18 minutes and 72 leaflets


GREENS - Won't come through the gate as it is imported from Israel


BNP - throws housebricks at the door until I open it. Then, when I open the door, throws a leaflet (wrapped around a housebrick) into the hall


MONSTER RAVING LOONEY PARTY - delivers an Ikea catalogue


RYANAIR PARTY - pushes a leaflet through the door then knocks on the door, and when I open it, demands £5 for its delivery


ROYAL MAIL PARTY - delivers a leaflet from the 2010 election


THE FRANKIE BOYLE PARTY - comes up the path swearing, shouts through the letterbox "Vote for anyone as long as they are not ****** disabled or ******* black", swears a bit more, then shouts obscenities at some young kids passing by before calling an 80-year-old lady across the road a "wizened old coffin-dodging crone who's a strain on the NHS".


THE VERNON KAY PARTY - couldn't understand a word he said

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Pirate Bay threatened with closure - doesn't affect me

Swedish file sharing website The Pirate Bay is now under threat following legal action by the British Phonographic Industry last December. They alleged that the website "infringes copyright on a massive scale” regarding the sharing of computer games, software, films and music. Point taken, and one can't for one minute deny that copyright is being infringed on quite a massive scale, not just on Pirate Bay, but all around the internet. However, with due respect to the originators of the shared files, I have never used Pirate Bay myself, except perhaps on very odd occasions for software, films and music. I never use Pirate Bay for software, because I prefer to pay an outlandish price for another seemingly pointless update to Microsoft Office that neither improves my speed nor productivity. And I am quite happy to part with hard earned cash to a company that has already earned a fortune from me - and others - with their updates over the years. And as for the recent update of Pho...

Airport amusement

There is no doubt that airports can be quite amusing places. That is apart from being told by a burly security supervisor at the x-ray gate that thanks to the only contribution Yasser Arafat ever made to society, I had to remove my belt, shoes, watch and place my AK-47 in the tray provided. Watching people going around their travel ‘business’ in airports and on board the aircraft is hilarious. There are those who are plainly not very good at it, continually checking all manner of minutiae with the other members of the party. “Do we go to the gate?”, “Have we time for a beer?”, “I MUST get a pizza”. There are those who have plainly not done it much before and like their fellow travellers to be made fully aware of the exact opposite, as they point and gesture to the monitor shouting out their destination and boarding gate at every passing opportunity to one and all around them. There are those who think they are something special – despite the fact they are travelling via bu...

Are Camelot dim, dysfunctional, liars or just plain greedy?

There can be no denying that UK lottery operators Camelot are on to a good thing. Especially the overpaid management. They have been reaping the benefits of the franchise for years now - a franchise that in essence, has been licenced by the government to print money. However, I can't quite make up my mind whether the management of the Lotto are dim, dysfunctional, liars or just plain greedy, although the cynic in me answers the question when I consider the chief Executive of Camelot was complaining last year that the annual bonus on her not inconsiderable 7-figure salary had been reduced (conveniently forgetting her 18 year sojourn to date at Camelot has produced a pension we mere mortals can only dream about. How about the poor soldiers, CEO Dianne Thompson, who come back from the far-east minus a leg and have to legally fight for compensation that doesn't even touch what you earn less than a month? And they don't receive CBE's for their troubles either !). Irres...