Sunday, 26 April 2015

UK General Election - exit poll

I have just completed my own exit poll for the General Election , an exit poll based on canvassers entering and exiting my front gate. Results are as follows:

CONSERVATIVES - gingerly opens the gate, closes it behind them, gingerly pushes the leaflet through the letterbox ensuring it goes all the way in, gingerly opens the gate once more, exits the garden path and then gingerly closes the gate behind them

LABOUR - opens the gate, steams in, noisily forces three identical leaflets through the letterbox leaving one sticking out, then steams out leaving the gate flapping

LIBDEMS - can't actually open the gate so gives up after 18 minutes of trying

UKIP - from the public pathway, throw leaflet after leaflet, for a random selection of prospective candidates over the gate at the letterbox, hoping that one might magically make its way through the letterbox. Gives up after 18 minutes and 72 leaflets

GREENS - Won't come through the gate as it is imported from Israel

BNP - throws housebricks at the door until I open it. Then, when I open the door, throws a leaflet (wrapped around a housebrick) into the hall

MONSTER RAVING LOONEY PARTY - delivers an Ikea catalogue

RYANAIR PARTY - pushes a leaflet through the door then knocks on the door, and when I open it, demands £5 for its delivery

ROYAL MAIL PARTY - delivers a leaflet from the 2010 election

THE FRANKIE BOYLE PARTY - comes up the path swearing, shouts through the letterbox "Vote for anyone as long as they are not ****** disabled or ******* black", swears a bit more, then shouts obscenities at some young kids passing by before calling an 80-year-old lady across the road a "wizened old coffin-dodging crone who's a strain on the NHS".

THE VERNON KAY PARTY - couldn't understand a word he said

No comments:

Post a Comment