Skip to main content

Dear British Gas

My reply to British Gas following the twee crap they sent cleverly disguised as a letter of justification for their price rises:

Dear folks at BG

Thank you for your letter from Ian Peters, Managing Director, British Gas Residential Energy, but I was already aware of the Gas Price increases from BBC Watchdog, Moneysavingexpert.com, Rip Off Britain and of course the media.

Personally, I was glad of the rise in prices. I have been worried for weeks that your directors and shareholders, many of whom don't actually know what a heating bill is, might have to forgo their foie gras or Bollinger for a day or two, or perhaps even travel somewhere Standard Class. However my anxiety was completely misplaced, because thankfully, the price rise, coming as it always does at a time of approaching high consumption, should assist with easing any of their pains.

I have since heard a rumour that because the gas suppliers always follow each other with price rises, you are forming a clandestine alliance. I noted that we-are-in-rip-off-cahoots.com has been registered by one of your 'competitors'. Can you confirm this please?

Finally, if you could please pass my best wishes on to Sam Laidlaw, the boss of Centrica, your parent banker. I was delighted to hear that planning permission has been granted for a second swimming pool at his vast Cotswold Estate. I personally know of many struggling pensioners, struggling families on low incomes and struggling redundant workers who will be so pleased with this, that they will rush at breakneck speed or higher to join me over a glass of water (2012 vintage - Chateau Heaton Park - a lovely piquant and highly sought-after number, in fact so wonderful, I actually have it on tap) in celebration of this momentous news.

We are all so pleased that the Gas Act of 1986, which led to the privatisation of the British Gas Corporation, has helped produce such fine, upstanding multi-millionaires, all at the expense of the hard-pressed customer.

Kind regards

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Airport amusement

There is no doubt that airports can be quite amusing places. That is apart from being told by a burly security supervisor at the x-ray gate that thanks to the only contribution Yasser Arafat ever made to society, I had to remove my belt, shoes, watch and place my AK-47 in the tray provided. Watching people going around their travel ‘business’ in airports and on board the aircraft is hilarious. There are those who are plainly not very good at it, continually checking all manner of minutiae with the other members of the party. “Do we go to the gate?”, “Have we time for a beer?”, “I MUST get a pizza”. There are those who have plainly not done it much before and like their fellow travellers to be made fully aware of the exact opposite, as they point and gesture to the monitor shouting out their destination and boarding gate at every passing opportunity to one and all around them. There are those who think they are something special – despite the fact they are travelling via bu...

Are Camelot dim, dysfunctional, liars or just plain greedy?

There can be no denying that UK lottery operators Camelot are on to a good thing. Especially the overpaid management. They have been reaping the benefits of the franchise for years now - a franchise that in essence, has been licenced by the government to print money. However, I can't quite make up my mind whether the management of the Lotto are dim, dysfunctional, liars or just plain greedy, although the cynic in me answers the question when I consider the chief Executive of Camelot was complaining last year that the annual bonus on her not inconsiderable 7-figure salary had been reduced (conveniently forgetting her 18 year sojourn to date at Camelot has produced a pension we mere mortals can only dream about. How about the poor soldiers, CEO Dianne Thompson, who come back from the far-east minus a leg and have to legally fight for compensation that doesn't even touch what you earn less than a month? And they don't receive CBE's for their troubles either !). Irres...

Why your kids never reply to your mobile communications

A frequent topic of conversation among my own peer group of retired and semi-retired wrinklies is regarding Millennials (born 1981 to 2000) and early Generation Z (2001 to 2020) and their ability to be glued to their mobiles 24/7, yet never replying in a timely manner to a communication from their older kith and kin. They don't reply, yet will gladly get it touch immediately with their own peers to ask, "Do you follow Chardonnay Moron on 'Insta' - she's soooo cool". Yes, cool, but otherwise clueless, and usually an inept, Beluga-lipped, tattooed moron who prefers to spout total crap on 'soshul meeja' on topics they in reality know absolutely nothing, using this as a job, instead of actually working gainfully for a living. " Like, follow and share " are the only three words these wastes of space know. Yet they are the new Messiahs of the Millennials and Gen Z, and woe betide any Millennials or Gen Z who might miss one single word - spelt wron...