Friday, 25 October 2013

My reply to British Gas following the twee crap they sent cleverly disguised as a letter of justification for their price rises:

Dear folks at BG

Thank you for your letter from Ian Peters, Managing Director, British Gas Residential Energy, but I was already aware of the Gas Price increases from BBC Watchdog,, Rip Off Britain and of course the media.

Personally, I was glad of the rise in prices. I have been worried for weeks that your directors and shareholders, many of whom don't actually know what a heating bill is, might have to forgo their foie gras or Bollinger for a day or two, or perhaps even travel somewhere Standard Class. However my anxiety was completely misplaced, because thankfully, the price rise, coming as it always does at a time of approaching high consumption, should assist with easing any of their pains.

I have since heard a rumour that because the gas suppliers always follow each other with price rises, you are forming a clandestine alliance. I noted that has been registered by one of your 'competitors'. Can you confirm this please?

Finally, if you could please pass my best wishes on to Sam Laidlaw, the boss of Centrica, your parent banker. I was delighted to hear that planning permission has been granted for a second swimming pool at his vast Cotswold Estate. I personally know of many struggling pensioners, struggling families on low incomes and struggling redundant workers who will be so pleased with this, that they will rush at breakneck speed or higher to join me over a glass of water (2012 vintage - Chateau Heaton Park - a lovely piquant and highly sought-after number, in fact so wonderful, I actually have it on tap) in celebration of this momentous news.

We are all so pleased that the Gas Act of 1986, which led to the privatisation of the British Gas Corporation, has helped produce such fine, upstanding multi-millionaires, all at the expense of the hard-pressed customer.

Kind regards

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